As you know, I would not think twice about punting a pigeon as hard as I can with the pointy end of the pointiest shoe in my closet. I have a general distrust of birds ever since that hawk tried to steal my baby that one time (true story), but something I’ve recently discovered is that I have a soft spot for dumbass mama robins who stupidly build their nests on the blades of my deck ceiling fan. And if that dumbass mama bird REBUILDS her nest on those very blades after a gust of wind sent her home spinning like Dorothy and Toto’s abrupt ejection from Kansas, dumping her nest onto my deck, well I have a VERY soft spot for her stupid little bird brain. Apparently birds aren’t really “learn from my mistakes” kinds of assholes.
I planned to knock the second nest down and keep the fan on low power to force her to try for a third time somewhere safer, but first I needed to make sure I wasn’t evicting any robin eggs. I attached my phone to a Swiffer stick with boxing tape because I’m nothing if not a MacGyver type of genius who also doesn’t own a selfie stick. Please listen to me discovering that she indeed had already laid eggs and therefore I was going to have to give up use of my beloved deck for a while and figure out how to keep the nest safe until the eggs could hatch and the fledglings leave:
Hahaha! I’m so much.
Anyway, as it stands now, I’ve secured the fan blades and she no longer flies away in fear when I walk onto the deck to check that the string I used as a tether is taut enough because this MacGyver used KNITTING YARN because that is all I had. I’m not sitting on a stash of bungee cords, you guys; I had yarn. She lets me sit on my rocking chair and work while she comes and goes, usually to attack any other bird that dares land in the yard. She’s a real bitch, so I love her. Until she gets sick of me being on my own deck and tries to peck my eyeballs out.
Then we will have words during which I will say, “Do not make me loosen your yarn, lady!” I’ll keep you posted!
Let’s chat!
1. “Binoculars, come!”
These are the names of the dogs I have had in my life in the order I (or my family) had them from childhood until now: Buddy, Quincy, Bucky (a true demon that once chewed through a door to escape even though he was like 10 pounds), Loco, Milo and Juno. Dogs my sisters have had were named Scout, Jazz, Little Man and Harley (parents of Loco), Brody, Bailey, Sid (named after Crosby, of course), Bear, Marley, Ivy and Charlie.
There has only ever been one cat in the whole history of this family, my sister’s cat that mostly stayed in the barn, and it was named … Kitty Cat. We are clearly a dog family who doesn’t even understand what cats are and how they operate or how to name one. It’s not like we’re out here naming dogs Puppy Dog, but the one time one of us has a cat in the family, we’re like, “Should we name it Cat, Kitty, Kitten, Kitty Cat, Kitten Cat, Kitty Kitten or Feline?”
My point is that I feel like those are all pretty normal dog names, except for Little Man, who I am pretty sure had a different dog-type name, but everyone just called him Little Man.
Recently, the City Paper submitted a right-to-know request to Allegheny County for the list of dogs registered — and it’s a fun look at how people in Pittsburgh name their dogs.
Of note:
I thought Lowkey and Itchie were wild names until I got to Clownshoes and Binoculars. I Just really want to go to the dog park and hear someone yelling “CLAHN-SHOES, come!” in a strong yinzer accent.
Someone named their dog Brussel Sprout (bad, especially because it’s misspelled), but someone else named their dog Paczki (genius!).
Special shoutout to whoever named their dog Amelia Earhart.
It’s wild to me how many more people named their dogs Bella, which is the most common name, compared to the second place name, Lucy.
One of my current dogs is Milo, and I can’t believe such a standard dog name didn’t make the top ten.
Go check out their rundown of wild names as well as their maps showing where dogs are more commonly named after beverages and Disney characters.
Speaking of names for pets …
2. Mary had a little lamb and its name was Defeat
I’m deep in research for my latest major project for grad school, this one a look at the union/collective bargaining/strike activities of Pittsburgh’s child laborers from 1875 to 1915. While engaged in that research, I stumbled on the fact that the local papers used to run editorial-style cartoons for pretty much every Pirates game for a lot of years between 1900 and 1912 or so, and they are a delight. Here are a few for you, and let me tell you, I spent way too long finding these and now I’m behind on everything so I hope you’re happy with yourself.
Being loaded into an ambulance after losing 23-8, feeding the NY team some delicious goose eggs, and a particularly brutal joke after a loss:
“‘Cause they can’t find home” and then the bird is like “ha-ha great.” I simply cannot.
Being force-fed Boston beans, being yelled at by the fans to DO YOUR JOBS, and being forced to crawl into the Defeat Cave.
Forget the shame box; from now on I’m telling people to “take the L and go crawl into the defeat cave.” I particularly love this one after a loss:
“And everyplace that Mary went defeat was sure to go.” The. Way. I. Cackled.
Later iterations became larger and more elaborate:
Amazing. When I have time, I’ll hunt through them all some more for you, and according to my calendar I will have time around … 2026. Mark your calendars.
3. Let’s play Two Lies and Zero Truths
If you tell a half-truth, did you tell a lie? What’s the math on that? Do two half-truths equal one whole truth or one whole lie? Math is the worst, so let’s look at two local examples to see if we can figure this out without needing our calculators, which we will just use to spell BOOBIES anyway.
First up, this is what currently-on-hiatus Pittsburgh-based literary publication Creative Nonfiction told the City Paper:
The end of a publishing project isn’t always a bad thing, either. Creative Nonfiction, arguably Pittsburgh’s most prestigious literary publication, announced a hiatus in January 2023. But while technology and cost concerns were part of this decision, founder Lee Gutkind had a deeper motivation. He founded the magazine to provide an outlet for what was then a new and controversial storytelling genre and, after 30 years, believed that mission “had been accomplished.“
The truth, according to former employees:
Talk about putting the “creative” in Creative Nonfiction! Sounds like SOMEONE should have used air-quotes on “hiatus.”
You can go read the entire Twitter thread for their stated reasons for quitting the publication en masse, but essentially there had been internal concerns regarding pay, equity and morale that went ignored by management.
So that’s half-truth )or maybe whole lie) number one. Don’t do that and especially don’t tell your half-truth on the record! You’ll get called out on it. Just epically dumb. Second, here’s what Pittsburgh Pride organizers announced publicly about moving the 2024 event from the previously announced new location of Point State Park:
“The decision to relocate follows the unexpected denial of access to Point State Park,” Pittsburgh Pride’s Facebook post reads. “Despite this setback, the Pittsburgh Pride Planning Group remains steadfast in its commitment to upholding the values of unity and equality that define the Pride movement.”
The truth according to the state:
“The department attempted to work with the organizers of Pittsburgh Pride to help them apply for the proper permitting, but at this time, Pittsburgh Pride has not submitted a completed application,” spokesman Wesley Robinson said in a written statement. “The department has made multiple attempts to contact event organizers, but they have not been responsive.”
Oh, for crying out loud. How can a denial be unexpected when you never submitted the completed application? That’s like someone saying, “Omg, I didn’t get into Harvard. I probably should have applied or something.” Let me see what the calculator says on this … “BOOBLESS.” Hmm. I’m going to call this one a whole lie that was once again told on the record! People are honestly so brave when they use lies as a shield.
Just tell the truth: “Well, the staff wasn’t happy and I didn’t do anything to address their concerns, so they all just up and quit on me so I had to shut down my publication while I figure shit out.” Or, “So, listen. We probably shouldn’t have told you all we were going to hold the event at Point State Park until we, you know, actually applied for the permit and were approved to hold the event there. Problem is, we ran into some issues we couldn’t overcome and didn’t ever get as far as submitting a completed application. So we found another location and it’s still going to be a great time! Woo!”
Instead you jags all half-truthed your asses into whole and complete draggings. Do better! And especially do better on the record. Now, take the L and go crawl in the defeat cave.
4. The Reincarnation of Kevin Sousa
Chef Kevin Sousa, who needs no introduction around these parts, has risen from the ashes of Salt/Union Pig & Chicken/Station Street/Superior Motors/Mount Oliver Bodega and is soon opening a new restaurant in some new parts—Taos, New Mexico, where I bet the investors and diners alike aren’t aware of his penchant for big talk, big fundraising, big spending, tiny plates and big walkaways leaving big fat messes in his wake.
His new place will be called …
Suchness. Not to be confused with Veryness or Moreness or my personal favorite, ABitMuchness.
Suchness. Listen, say it out loud fast just four times and watch how quickly your tongue just goes, yeah, I’m not built for that. So, it’s not a good name at all, but that’s coming from someone who would name a cat Mr. House Cat III, just to be fancy.
Good luck with the reinvention in the desert! Maybe this will be the one that finally sticks.
(Oh my God, I just remembered the $40 McKees Rocks Red pizza he tried to sell in Mount Oliver and burst out laughing. What a time that was. Good luck, Taos! Let’s have coffee next year and chat about how things are!)
5. Random n’at
Short things that could be long things:
The Pittsburgh Riverhounds ownership is bringing professional women’s soccer to Pittsburgh!
Cable cord-cutters, like me, can finally watch Penguins and Pirates games again thanks to the SportsNet direct-to-consumer streaming app.
Senator John Fetterman wore a hoodie and athletic shorts to the White House Correspondents dinner and my two cents is this: it’s okay to allow yourself to grow into the important and prestigious role your were elected to fill. It’s okay to respect the dress code that organizers print on invitations to exclusive events you receive as a representative of the Commonwealth. It’s not like you’re beholden to some loyalty to or sense of nostalgia for a blue-collar background, right? It doesn’t always have to be about you. Don’t email me. I’d say this same thing if a female senator from Pennsylvania showed up in jorts and a Steelers jersey. We live in a society.
That fan-designed Mister Rogers LEGO set will not be made by LEGO, and I’m sad, but honestly, I imagine the decision was more about the complicated process that would need to be undertaken with the Fred Rogers Company in order to get it approved and made. They are protective of his legacy.
One of Kennywood’s tweets this week …
It’s a shout-out!* But instead of helping us hunt for deals, just … stick with me, here … lower your prices. I’m a genius.
Reminder that this Saturday I’m moderating the Pittsburgh History panel for the Greater Pittsburgh Festival of Books where I’m chatting with local authors Zachary Brodt and Ed Simon at 1:45. It’s free! Details here.
*Check out last week’s edition if you’re confused.
6. That’s all!
Have a great week! Be kind! Don’t litter! Don’t tell half-truths! Stay out of the defeat cave! Come out and see my band the Big Spending Tiny Plates! We play at pierogi fests only … ironically.
Bye!