Avoiding the business end of the lanternfly
Discover more from Breathing Space
In this edition: we lost the lanternfly war, badly * there’s a new flight from [checks notes] Cleveland to Pittsburgh?? * should we be afraid of the inclines? * awesome Barbie-themed Burghy merch * more!
Happy Wednesday and welcome back to my usual nonsense after a week where I had to just get a little rant out of my system. Vent my spleen, if you will.
Nearly all of the engagement and feedback from my rant has agreed with my stance. I was however criticized on Reddit for my “influencer writing style.”
To quote Bill Burr:
I’ve been writing in this ridiculous, overwrought way since before most of you Redditors knew what an @ was. Respect your elders!*
With that done and my spleen airing out quite nicely, let’s talk!
*In all seriousness, I love local Redditors despite how much they find me annoying. They’re sincere in their dislike for me and my opinions and the way I express them. I can’t fault them for that. I openly love their genuineness. If you ever see me being dragged on the Pittsburgh subreddit, never feel the need to defend me. It’s all good. I’m not for everyone.
1. Stay behind the business end, is my motto
The spotted lanternflies, like all nature normally does, have won their years-long battle against our attempts to murder them out of existence. We failed, you guys. We did not pulverize enough of those invasive jackwagons to stop them from becoming a permanent part of our Pittsburgh ecosystem.
If you’ve gone outside, you know this. They’re everywhere. I took my daughter to the Carnegie Museum of Natural History yesterday and she killed about 30 on our walk from the parking lot to the entrance. She takes her hired-assassin duties seriously, that one. You say kill; she says how bloodily? This summer, for the first time ever, the lanternflies showed up on my deck. My personal space. My outdoor sanctuary.
The Trib’s Ryan Deto spoke with some local experts about the invasion and the possible consequences of their permanent presence (not as bad as I thought, honestly).
A snippet:
Feather said that Pittsburghers shouldn’t panic when they spot lanternflies. She encouraged stomping and said the best way to do so is from the front, since spotted lanternflies can only jump forward.
I’m sorry. What?
Get in front of them because they can only jump forward? Are you insane?! Have you seen how far those assholes can jump and how little they fear us? There’s an entire scientific paper dedicated to documenting exactly how super-powerful of jumpers they are. And you want us to get in the line of fire so they can see us coming to stomp their brains out and then jump directly at us?
Worst advice ever if you’re someone who likes to generally not encourage bugs to kamikaze themselves into your person. I’ll continue doing what I’ve been doing — sneaking up on them from behind like the ninja assassin I’ve always been.
I’m sure you’ve guessed that Invasive Jackwagons is my new punk rock band name. Jeff Reed is our drummer. Needless to say, we’ve been fighting a lot.
Also, look! Steel City has a new shirt (not an ad):
2. How to race an airplane in a busted ass Ford Fiesta, and win
Back when I was a twenty-something marketing professional for PNC Bank, I’d have to fly to New York City for various meetings and conferences and I always loved how short that flight was. “CSHHH-this is your captain speaking. We’ve just reached our cruising altitude and are now beginning our initial descent.” Barely enough time to drink three sips of your Pepsi before you’re on the ground and paying $27 for a half of a three-day-old airport turkey sandwich at LaGuardia.
If you love short flights too, have I got some fantastic news!
Though just a bit over two hours away by car, Alaska Airlines soon will be offering a flight from Cleveland to Pittsburgh this winter.
Now, I have not yet read the article and I’m going to guesstimate how long of a flight this would be before I do so. I think my flights to LaGuardia were maybe 85 minutes? Is this a 45-minute flight?? Let’s see:
Though not permanent, the looper flight does provide a connection between the rival cities. The Cleveland-to-Pittsburgh flight departs at 4:34 p.m. daily and takes 49 minutes, about an hour less than driving in between the two airports.
Gasp! Maybe math IS real after all and maybe I am good at it??
What is the cruising altitude of this flight? Would you even get high enough to lose cellphone service? Regardless, let’s do more math: You could drop your friend off at the airport in Cleveland and then start your drive to Pittsburgh. By the time your friend’s plane actually takes off, you will already be in Pittsburgh.
I can hear you: “Ginny, that is not math; that is words.”
Shush. Respect your elders.
If you take this flight, please email me and let me know how it goes, if you get enough altitude to touch a cloud, and if you land in Pittsburgh WHILE the flight attendants are still giving the safety speech.
On the bright side, if the airline doesn’t load your luggage onto the plane, they could just Uber it to PIT to greet you at the gate when you land.
3. Are we … plummeting rn??
As you know, the Pittsburgh inclines move at a screaming 6 miles per hour while gently gliding you up or down the hillside, gifting you with one of the most beautiful views in the world. So when someone pointed out to me this video from K-LOVE showing host Amy Baumann basically losing her shit and praying to Jesus to protect her during her first incline trip …
… my first instinct was to point and laugh.
Like, lady, chill. You’re just acting like this for content and being all fake-scared. The Redditors are going to dog walk you. Stop being ridicul-
I mean, no she wasn’t on THAT particular incline, but also, whew. That shut my ass up because honestly if I was on the incline when it decided to do a little unplanned emergency stoppage, I’d too have been all, “HE IS MIGHTY. HE IS GREAT. SAVE ME, JESUS.”
I’d just be waiting for the cables to snap, because in my mind, that’s the next logical thing that would happen. First you stop. Then you hear a snap. Then you plummet, scream and die.
Good news, though. The incline is back open, except …
So I know a lot about Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh history and stuff and am I the only one who didn’t know the inclines used SOFTWARE? Not that I thought there was some giant in there manually winding the wheels and gears at regular intervals, but I never considered software being involved either. Huh.
New fear: some hacker hacking the incline software and sending my screaming ass and down the hillside at 60 miles per hour like the time the Laser Loop got stuck.*
I’ll never make fun of that sissy K-LOVE lady again.
Let us pray to the funicular gods that we might please them.
*Is this an urban legend?
4. Barbieburgh
Since the Barbie movie has come out and made ONE BILLION DOLLARSSSSS, some local makers have designed Pittsburgh-themed Barbie items which I just love and wanted to share a few here. Reminder, this is not an ad.
Look at these:
I expect to see lots of that Kenny Pickett shirt this fall at games. HappyLilCanvases also shared this on their Instagram:
As far as I can tell, they aren’t yet selling this on any products, but I really need it as a double-sided ornament or coaster so I can put it on my Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide. Look at the Pittsburgh Potty! The parking chairs! Mister Rogers on the TV! The afghan your gram knitted with holes so big it does nothing! The wandering vacuum that never seems to get put away in any yinzer house!
Take my money.
5. Randomly
Some smaller things to note:
I recorded a fun, brief podcast episode with City Cast Pittsburgh* and you should give it a listen. It’s only 13 minutes long (if you’re into math, that’s about 1/4 the time of the flight from Cleveland to Pittsburgh**) and I talk about my mapping project Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen. We discuss why I started it, what I hope people will take from it, some of the items I’m still trying to find historical photos of, and more. One thing I cover is the local lore that the pollution on the Mellon Institute columns was intentionally left as a callback to our sooty past. My research has shown it to be just that—mere lore. Listen here!
My next library appearance will be September 27 at 6:30 at Norwin Public Library in North Huntingdon. I’ll talk about writing my debut novel, what motivated me to write it, how I wrote it, and what I learned along the way. Then I’ll answer your questions and sign your book if you bring it along. I’ll be sure to bring some copies with me for anyone who wants to buy it there. Register for free here!
Downtown is FINALLY getting public restrooms. Everybody poops!
Turns out, fracking? Maybe not so good for us.
Bust out the celebratory ketchup! Heinz Field is back. Sort of.
*I’m embarrassed I just recently became aware of this amazing site full of Pittsburgh news goodies. Not an ad.
** If this math is wrong, repeat after me … “respect your elders.”
6. That’s all!
I’m out of time and space! Have a fantastic week! Don’t litter! Be kind! Kill lanternflies from behind ONLY. Buy my book!
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