Bob Nutting polls the prisoners
"To what extent are you satisfied with the level of your torture?"
Reader, this is me, not writing my thesis.
Thousands of pages read across three years of grad work. Hundreds of pages within dozens of papers written across all manner of historical topics. Not one single grade below an A. And now I just have one more to write, my MA thesis on Pittsburgh’s response to the 1918 pandemic. I’ve studied the outbreak for four years. I’ve read over a dozen books on it. I have ten full binders of research. I have a thesis proposal and outline and a compelling argument that shifts the historiography away from blaming the local response for our highest-in-the-nation death rate. I have my committee’s go-ahead. I have 60 days to write what will probably amount to 120 pages of work. I sit at my computer in my home office with my piping hot coffee, my dogs at my feet, a three-hour window of time at my disposal. I stare at the blank document on my screen and I just …
Holy paralysis, Batman.
So let me further avoid the thing I shouldn’t avoid and instead just continue the spiral of procrastinatory doom by checking in on my little newsletter about our little big city named Pittsburgh.
Let’s talk!
1. “How satisfied are you with your imprisonment?”
From the Surely You Can’t Be Serious file that I keep next to my I Feel Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills file — yes, I need both— comes news that the Pittsburgh Pirates have insanely emailed a satisfaction survey to a set of their fans.
As in, they are seeking to gauge how happy their fans are with the team. As in, they have finally had their last remaining marble fall out and bounce noisily away. Some of the questions that appeared on the ridiculous survey followed by gifs that represent my answers:
Overall what is your impression of the Pittsburgh Pirates?
To what extent do you agree with the following statement: The Pittsburgh Pirates as an organization care about building a winning team.
To what extent do you agree with the following statement? The Pittsburgh Pirates are committed to on-field performance and improvement.
Overall, do the Pittsburgh Pirates make you feel satisfied as a fan?
The amazing part? The possible answers for that last question were:
No
Sometimes
Yes
Instead of:
No
Also no
No, but in Spanish
No, but to the power of a billion
This is exactly the same as a warden surveying the prisoners and then instituting a “the beatings will continue until morale improves” policy.
There is no way the responses to this survey will be taken into account to inform one single action taken by the front office toward building a winning team. Like they’re going to say, “Oh, geez! We have terrible fan satisfaction numbers because of our refusal to in any way build and maintain a winning team and to instead throw bobbleheads, free t-shirts and fireworks at them to shut them up. We better make some changes and start spending real money on being competitive!”
Instead, they will see these expected results and say, “LOL. We done already knew. But let’s continue to publicly say we are going to spend money, even though privately we will continue to issue directives that we have no money to spend on team-building and so we are just going to keep doing what we’ve been doing for decades and that is this … lose in epic last-place fashion, but it’s okay because we can now say, hey, we are trying to make fans happy and to protect the important legacy of this ball club. Just look at the fan survey we sent out. We care! Now hold still while we launch a loosely wrapped tepid hotdog at your person.”
Sell the team.
2. Playing pond lehocky and drinking Molson lebeer like a hoser lehuman
From my Your Supervillain Origin Story Options file comes this gem:
The dumbass billboard infecting our gorgeous Mt. Washington has been changed from Iron City to the national legal firm Pond Lehocky, which sounds like what an alien would call hockey while trying to pass themselves off as a French-Canadian human. “Let us go play pond lehocky! I am normal human being! Do not rip off my skin please!”
I tend to hate when advertising mars our natural landforms and major infrastructure, especially when its done by brands that don’t have an iconic connection to the city. Looking at you, Acrisure. That said, man, Pittsburgh used to be AWASH in advertising. Even on our bridges! Look at the old Seventh Street bridge around 1915:
Everything from clothing to soap to pianos to grocery stores have signs on that bridge. MADNESS. And yes, our giant beloved South Side clock used to be on a Coca-Cola billboard on the side of Mt. Washington:
So I will deal with this one single sign, but I just want to state on the record that I hate the billboard in general and the only thing that should appear at that space is trees, vegetation, or maybe a picture of a waving Fred Rogers next to “Welcome to the neighborhood.”
Lefight me like one of your french girls.
3. A yinzer award for voting
I love this. Allegheny County held a contest for local school students to design the I Voted sticker for the upcoming primary and general elections and the finalists are so great. I particularly love these four designed by 9th, 11th and 12th graders:
My gut tells me the pickle will win, but I sure do like the use of fireworks in that first one, and the pop-art feel of the last one. What a tough choice. Hell, print them all. Whoever said there can be only one, other than Highlander?
Virginia Montanez says, “There can be several.”
4. Yinzer Valentine’s Day is here
Valentine’s Day is coming up and the local makers have been busy coming up with some great stuff for you to grab for your honey. Here’s a round-up of my faves:
Strawberries for Him from Sinful Sweets, $25.99 (pickup only, also available in “For Her” pink)
Pittsburgh City Paper NSFW Valentine's Day Sticker Packs, $12
North Avenue Candle Company Book-Themed Conversation Hearts Candle Tins, $15 (also available in non-book-themed tins and mini tins!)
love, Pittsburgh Pittsburghese Conversation Hearts, (sort of a high price at $4 for 10 candies, but they’re super cute)
Steel City Red Union Beanie, on sale for $15
9-piece Umber Chocolates Valentine’s Collection, pre-order, $30 (or get the huge 27-piece for $75)
Nothing is an ad! Go buy your love some goodies!
5. Random n’at
Cranberry Township first responders went above and beyond to rescue a 600-pound donkey that had fallen into an icy pond. I love this story very much.
I’ve been taking my teen daughter on a tour of unusual Pittsburgh shops and museums that don’t get as much attention and last week we hit up the Allentown neighborhood near Mt. Washington to visit The Weeping Glass and Dr. Tumblety’s. They are both incredible with so much cool stuff, both old and new, to look at. My daughter especially loved the impromptu tour she was given at Dr. Tumblety’s, getting to see their two rear moody bars with a secret hidden passageway. One thing I really loved was this locally handmade shawl that features an unexpected skull pattern. Classy, but spooky and they had several colors in stock in the store.
Perfection. This isn’t an ad! Just a little heads up about a few cool and unusual small local shops to go visit. Next we are visiting Geology Rocks (shout-out to Ross Geller) and the Troy Hill art houses.
Did you or someone you know lose a camera under the Clemente Bridge 25 years ago? Your developed pictures are waiting for you!
A minority stake in the Pittsburgh Penguins is up for sale, so I’m about to GoFundMe that shit.
From my General Rodentia Matters file, Groundhog Phil and his wife Phyllis (lol) had pups last spring and their names are Sunny and Shadow (omg, yes). I had no idea baby groundhogs were this precious:
Adorable little Capybara-looking snuggle-bums. I’m now a Sunny and Shadow fan.
6. That’s all!
That’s it for this break from my bout of thesis-writing paralysis. I have about one more hour to stare at my computer and do absolutely nothing but let my eyes glaze over and my dread multiply. As for you, be kind! Don’t doom-scroll! Hug baby groundhogs! Visit more local shops! Donate to my imaginary fund to buy a stake in the Pittsburgh Penguins! Tell Bob Nutting to go hug a cactus!
And above all, be sure to get out and catch my new band Spiral of Procrastinatory Doom. We spend about an hour just staring into the crowd in terror, but then we truly do rock out.
Later!