Ima "attract controversy from the community" all up in this bi--

Back on my bullshit

Happy Wednesday from what we are now calling Sunny Pittsburgh.

Winter is officially canceled and that scamming groundhog can eat a bag of you-know-whats-its*, wrote the idiot who just unleashed into the ether a curse that will bring us a six-day snowstorm in mid-March.

It’s a rare week that I not only know what day it is, but also have time to get the newsletter together in a timely fashion. We are making progress here, people. Next week I’ll probably publish on Thursday and be all, “Happy Tuesday and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

Time isn’t real.

Let’s talk:

*my dad reads this newsletter, so, you know…

1. “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF LOVE IN OUR COUNTY?! Hate or GTFOH.”

Pop quiz!

Here’s billboard A:

Here’s a billboard B:

The question: Which of these has been taken down for “attracting controversy in the community?”

• A. Duh. How is that okay in 2023??

• B. Obviously the answer is B, Ginny. I mean love? Acceptance? AGAIN I SAY ‘LOVE’?! To quote Greta Thunberg and Kelly Kapoor: “How dare you?”

If you guessed B, you are right and also the correct amount of sarcastically cynical, or the SUPER incorrect amount of racist* and you should leave this newsletter right now if that’s your stupid category.

The first billboard is an electronic one that has been in the news A BUNCH lately because its racist, bigoted, intolerant owner uses it to unleash hate on the community.

The second billboard is nearby and according to the Trib:

A Worthington-area billboard meant to welcome people of all faiths, genders and sexual orientations was up for six days before opponents forced its removal.

Erected by the Armstrong County Democratic Committee and paid for by donations, the sign was meant to combat a nearby billboard along Route 422 that has stood since 2019 and stirred controversy for bashing same-sex marriage and critical race theory.

“The property owner where our billboard sat with positive, inclusive messages said he received death threats in the first days it was up,” said county Democratic Committee Vice Chair Melanie Bowser.

So, first, let’s shoot tequila because how else are we going to cope? I’m back.

The billboard went up Feb. 4. Two days later, Bowser said she was contacted by the advertising company — Huntington Billboards in Greenville, Ohio — to say it had to come down.

Wait. One more shot.

Okay, I’m toasty. Let’s recap.

A billboard that literally features a swastika, that regularly bashes gay people, that claims whites are being persecuted, that tells the lie that CRT is being taught in schools** did not generate enough controversy to have the hateful messages stopped, but the billboard that literally just wants to get out the message of “we don’t care what you look like or who you love, welcome to Armstrong County,” resulted in death threats to the point it had to be taken down.

And you want to claim white men are PERSECUTED?

My white male friend, comparably, you’re about as persecuted as a Kardashian. Get over yourself and find a new word.

These are the facts and regardless of where you stand on this debate, they are indisputable:

The first billboard hurts people. The second does not.

But weirdly, the first billboard’s ideas are those espoused by people who usually identify as belonging to a religion that preaches neighborly love. The second billboard’s ideas are being trashed by people who usually identify as belonging to a religion that preaches neighborly love.

Make. it. math. up.

It doesn’t. It doesn’t add up because when you’re trying to add racism or bigotry to any love equation in order to justify your views, the answer is always an irrational number.

Now, hear me: I am NOT saying that everyone belonging to a religion supports those billboard A ideas. So don’t get angry. I know plenty of Christians that do not in any way support those ideas. I’m saying usually the people that DO support them, etc. etc. Get it? Read carefully before you email me or throw trash on my lawn or blow my mailbox up, but honestly, my mailbox is wobbly so I don’t mind having to replace it if that’s where you feel your special brand of incendiary “neighborly love” needs to be directed.

Just kindly leave me this one to replace it.

*The correct amount is ZERO, for those trying to math it out. I like to verb words. Verbing weirds language.

** It isn’t. It never was. If you still believe this at this point it is because you are choosing willful ignorance or merely want to allow yourself to feel comfortable in your racist skin and that’s gross. Educate your mind for ten minutes and learn what it really is, where it’s taught, and then look into how detrimental Color Blind Ideology is. Class dismissed. Leave your apples for teacher on my desk along with their accompanying jars of Nutella.

2. Hate makes you ugly: exhibit A

Speaking of being persecuted! I don’t love giving Radio Karen attention, but lordy and thoughts and prayers to anyone who ever defended her as simply misunderstood or taken out of context when she got fired from WTAE.

This triggered snowflake is snowflaking harder than a triggered snowflake has ever snowflaked.* I’m getting that on a pillow.

Wendy does this because, yes, she believes it, but also because THIS IS WHERE THE MONEY AND ATTENTION IS and batshit baby girl knows it.

But secondly, Wendy … you aren’t funny and I get you are trying to be funny in your hate, but goodness, leave it to the professionals. You try too hard and it’s honestly so cringe, as the youths say. I’m not a youth. I’m like you, old as Forbes Field. The only difference is hate hasn’t aged me into a wretched crone (“THE UGLY CHICK IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE MIRROR! THE UGLY CHICK IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE MIRROR!”).

And thirdly, did you have trouble finding the white people? In the NFL that has only 3 non-white head coaches (and that number was 1 for a while)? The NFL with the giant diversity problem just isn’t white enough for you? The NFL trying to sort of level things out is pissing you off to the point that you’re clout-scrounging by bashing BLIND people and LITTLE people and people with ALBINISM and people with SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS and LIMPS?

What kind of genetic purity perfect-race bullshit is this?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH INCLUSION? Oh. It doesn’t pay your bills or bring hateful people running to you to stroke your ego? Got it.

But let it be known, world, from Wendy’s fingertips to your eyeballs: whites only. Be perfect. Be able-bodied. Be straight. Be pretty. Be only the correct amount of pigmented. Or get the hell out of here.

“Positively Wendy Bell” indeed.

*Yes, I’ve installed a Chrome extension that lets me control what I see on Twitter and it also puts a little B next to names that bought their verification.

3. Memory’s Milestones

Let’s lighten it up!

Recently while doing initial research for one of my two possible Master’s thesis subjects (one being child labor in Pittsburgh and the other being Pittsburgh’s response to the Pandemic of 1918), I stumbled on an amazing book by one Percy F. Smith of Pittsburgh, published in 1918. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the author, but basically this book is the equivalent of if you sat your grandpa down and said, “Tell me about literally everything you remember about Pittsburgh and also tell me some funny jokes and give me some history lessons while you’re at it.”

There is no describing this book. I love it so much I snagged a vintage copy of it on eBay for my library. You can read it for free online here.

I wanted to share what he covered under the heading “More Poetry than Truth.” He reprints a letter from a New York Sun correspondent that appeared in the newspaper in 1872. And it’s basically one long Pittsburgh diss track and it’s AMAZING.

A few choice lines. First the Sun correspondent went after our fashion sense:

“Pittsburgh was a village at the close of the Revolution, and some of the people look as if they had worn their clothes ever since the Revolution.”

Oh snap!

“On the 18th of January, 1785, the first catfish was discovered in the Ohio, and the inhabitants to this day think them a species of whale. The only ship I have seen here that resembles New York shipping, is a lugger. It was a woman lugging a pile of kindling wood home.”

YO MAMA SO FAT!

“It has a dingy appearance and its citizens are likewise. After 10 a.m. the people are awful dingy. … One can’t wear a white shirt half the morning before it is half mourning. The smoke settles so thick on the shirt bosom that the citizens keep an accurate account of their milk bills on ‘em, using a wooden toothpick for a pen. Hence the term Pennsylvania.”

LITERALLY SCREAMING.

“There was once so much smallpox here, is why the place is called Pittsburgh.”

Somewhere, Sienna Miller just said, “Why didn’t I think of that one?”

The writer goes on, calling us stupid, our schools bad, and our temperance lacking. Also, heckin’ yes I verified the source. Ergo, the New York Sun, May 30, 1872 (my birthdate! Uh, not that year though. I’m slightly younger):

“Grass is coming up and cocktails are going down” is going to be on my gravestone 100 percent mark it down amen and hallelujer.

Yes, Twelve-Hundred Horse Derrick is my new band name. Country rock, baby!

4. Wavy merch!

This is not an ad, but I just had to give some space to the fantastic new merch coming out of the Barrel & Flow Fest— the annual local Black brew fest and I believe perhaps it was the first of its kind in the country?

Regardless of whether you’re into beer, these are so beautiful and feature my favorite shades or orange and blue, particularly in the glasses and on the yellow shirt.

Love them all. Go check them out, support Pittsburgh’s Black brew fest, and get the details for this year’s event!

Again, not an ad in any way.

T-minus three days until a “WHERE IS THE WHITE BREW FEST I ASK YOU?!?” billboard pops up somewhere in Armstrong County.

More importantly, where is my drone-mounted flamethrower? Bail me out, yo.

5. A Pizza my Burghy Heart

Would you look at these prints of Pittsburgh’s pizzas?!

There’s also a combo print and I cannot be the only one that’s going to use it as a checklist as I try them all, am I? We’re all gonna be so fat Wendy Bell will send us hate mail.

Buy the prints here! Not an ad!

P.S. Square-cut pizza tastes better than triangle-cut pizza. It’s a fact and you can check my math. I carried the one.

6. It’s all about me!

Just a few updates!

• There are a few new items on the Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen Map, so go give that a look. I’m slowly working my way through my research list, as you’ve all been wonderful in emailing me with suggestions. Keep those coming!

• I’m speaking tonight in Pleasant Hills and it’s free and open to the public if you wish to come and hear me talk about all my shiz and lessons and such. I’ll keep it pretty brief.

• I have, only three months late, finished what will likely be the final edits of my forthcoming debut novel Nothing. Everything. so expect that to begin moving more quickly now on the cover-reveal and publication date front. I’ll keep you all posted! I’m terrified!

7. And that’s it!

Have a fantastic week! Don’t blow up my mailbox! I’ll see you all back here next week for the “wearing o’ the green!”

What?