Happy Thursday, Pittsburgh! Yes, it is Thursday and I’m not posting this today because I mistakenly think today is Wednesday. But I can get why you’d suspect that because of who I am as a person — chaos personified. The reason I’m publishing this today is because yesterday I launched my little project Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen, and I wanted to give that the day for itself. More on that later in this post.
Let’s talk!
1. Making it make sense(s?)
Pittsburghers like old things. The way things used to be. You cut down a prominent corner tree and at some point we’ll hear ourselves using the phrase “where the old tree used to be” in a sentence that has nothing to do with trees. So it shouldn’t surprise us that local firm CivicScience, which runs the polls you see on local websites, is currently asking Pittsburghers …
Indeed it is hilarious that they’re asking if you get your FRESHEST fish from a place that’s been closed for A DECADE, but can we look at something else that jumped out: Wholey gets an apostrophe S and Benkovitz doesn’t and it is a thing of Pittsburgh beauty. I’m about to unpack why, so stick with me. It gets good.
Sure, there’s Luke Wholey’s Wild Alaskan Grille, but that’s not what CivicScience is referring to. Here they mean Wholey where you buy fresh fish.
You, of course, refer to this place as “Wholey’s.” If you don’t, welcome to Pittsburgh, newbie. Hope you like potholes and pierogies.
So here’s my theory as to why we are the way we are: Older Pittsburghers were raised with their iconic stores ending in an apostrophe S that was literally meant to grammatically show possession —Kaufmann’s and Horne’s, for example. Kaufmann & Brother became Kaufmann’s, meaning the Kaufmann brothers owned it. Joseph Horne and Company became Horne and Co.’s for this same reason, and eventually Horne’s. The companies USED these names as seen here from 1905 and 1920.
But even back then, Pittsburghers, and hell, the stores themselves, were just all over the place with it. Look at this one tiny ad section from 1892:
S APOSTROPHE! Because there is more than one brother. So that actually makes sense. But Horne’s is Jos. Horne & Co.’s. But, they also went by …
That’s from 1893. So in the first, they are saying “the store owned by Horne and Company,”** but in the second they are saying THE Jos. Horne & Company. Again, this actually makes sense for Horne’s. Unlike the Kaufmann boys who seemed to be all, “Hey, bro, where we stickin’ the apostrophe this week?” Now, I want you to put all that in your pocket and then hold onto your butts.
[blink] [blink] It’s not possessive but it ends in S but the name of the owner was Gimbel and the name was Gimbel and Brother, but they went by Gimbels without an apostrophe and WHAT IS GOING ON??? NO WONDER WE ALL SUCK AT THIS AND ARE OUT THERE SAYING SHIT LIKE ALDIS.**
And now you’re gonna open a place called Primanti Bros.? With no S on Primanti? How about no. We’re going to put possession on that name, otherwise it just sounds weird. Literally no one says Primanti. It’s Primanti’s. At least it works grammatically. But then we go too far. For some, it’s Giant Eagles. Shop ‘n Saves. Then we do that to names. Sally Wiggins.*** This week I put up an Instagram story with a pic I took inside of DeLallo in Jeannette and I pointed out to yinzers that it was not “DeLallo’s.” When I tell you I got a bunch of replies all, “WAIT. IS IT REALLY NOT?!?” It is not. But we add that possession. Even though the name is literally …
Now, Benkovitz already ends in that S sound we demand of our establishment names, so it already sounds possessive and thus Pittsburghers don’t feel the need to say “Benkovitz’s.” Were the name “Benkovit?” False. It’s Benkovit’s. Old Pittsburghers raised their kids saying business names like this. Those kids went about their lives innocently adding an S to every business name because it just sounds right, and then one day that kid grew up and looked at the sign and said, “THERE’S NO S IN PNC?!”
So that’s my theory on why we are the way we are. What say you? Doesn’t matter. I’m right.
* Yinz, I had to edit this sentence because the first time I wrote “Hornes and Co.” YOU SEE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT HERE?!
** I called it “Aldis” FOREVER and then one day my sister was like, “IT IS NOT ALDIS! IT IS JUST ALDI!” and I was like, “Shut up no way.” Way.
*** Guys, there is no S in Wiggin just like there is no speed limit on Bigelow.
2. Speaking of old places
Pittsburgh, meet Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen!
It’s a website/Google Map I’ve created that shows you where in the city (and surroundings) you can see still-visible artifacts from long-gone places. You can click a pin and I’ll give you a little history on the item, where it came from. If it was moved, I’ll give you the coordinates of its original location. And I’ll show you a historical picture or three of the item in its original iteration. Here are a few screencaps:
There are currently 36 items on the map and more on the way as I research and photo-hunt. Poke around, click on the menus, see what’s there, what’s coming (bike/walking tour routes!) and then go to the contact form and click the “I am being mean” button.
I realize this would make a useful app and would make it easier to use on a mobile device, but I’m not sure if I’ll take that step mostly because I don’t know what that would entail on my end. Regardless, everything is free. There are no ads. And you’ll see that you’ve been walking past history for a long time without realizing it. Feedback and suggestions for improvement are appreciated! But be nice, you jags.
3. Gotta love r/Pittsburgh
I love the Pittsburgh subreddit so much. Reddit can be a hellscape, but the r/Pittsburgh page is a delight, and for the most part reading the posts and replies endears you to the people that make this city what it is. You know …
Surely by now you’ve seen this amazing post to the board:
I agree there is no way that is a serious question because no one is that stupid on this whole earth not even whoever is the reason we have a “DON’T STAND UP” warning label on the Kennywood Racer(s?). So that’s that. But there’s this one:
You’ll recall that my support for the deer culls in Mt. Lebanon led to lots of anger a few years ago. One yinzer even gave me my most favorite insult ever … “uppity heartless wench.” That dude is 100 percent selecting the “I am being mean” button. So, no, deer culls aren’t odd. Deer are hunted. Deer are often invasive. You just don’t want them to be shot because they are cute. Don’t email me when you know if deer had the heads of snakes, you’d be like “KILL THEM WITH THE FIRES OF HELL.”
People sometimes push for the introduction of natural predators rather than outright killing and when that suggestion came up in response to this question, Pittsburghers did their thing, made me laugh, and made me love them even more.
“THE OPPOSITE OF PSPSPSPSPSPS.”
I AM CRYING. Also, what is the opposite of pspspspspsps? Is it spspspspspsp? Someone try that the next time you come across a bobcat in the ‘burbs. But only if you have good health insurance. Also, The Outta Control Bobcats is my new all-girl band name. We’re actually a bunch of cougars. BA-DUM-TISS! Try the deer! BA-DUM-TISS!
Heartless, indeed.
4. Quickly
I stumbled on this Pittsburgh Riverhounds scarf and I’m in love with its Burghiness so I had to share it in case you want it for snowsport(s?), gifting, or whatnot. Not an ad!
5. It’s short!
But long! I’m out of space because this edition is quite picture-heavy, so that’s all we have time for today. But really, that’s all we have space for. Have a fabulous week! Check out my map! Email me things to add! Use lots of exclamation marks so I know you’re excited and shouty! And above all, closely read the name of every single store you go into this week and then let me know just how many you’ve erroneously been adding an S to.
I bet it’s … all of them.