And we’re late!
One thing I said aloud to multiple humans was, “As soon as this semester of grad school is done, I’m going to take it easy for until I start again in September.”
Then what I did was the day after turning in my last paper, I scheduled 7 meetings in a week and a half and then I started a new Burghy history project and began planning a cool Burghy event and also decided I needed to get to work on the biking and walking tours of the Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen artifacts.
I’m so ridiculous and I need several naps in a row in succession one after the other.
So today is Thursday and not Wednesday.
It’s a good thing this newsletter is free* or I’d feel badly about my inconsistency. Instead I say, “YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR—MY NEAR BEST EFFORT.
Let’s talk!
* Please do not offer to pay for this newsletter. It’s silly and meandering and free. It keeps the pressure on me low knowing I’m not taking money for it. I don’t want your money except for when it’s time for you to buy my book. Then just hand me your wallet and I’ll take what I need.
1. I’m warning you that I’ll warn you
Pittsburgh drivers are not … the best.
We can’t merge or yield or cross bridges or enter tunnels at the speed we were maintaining 100 feet before said tunnels, and stop signs are for many just suggestions regarding the slower pace at which you should roll through them.
Before you yell at me, I am a disgustingly safe driver. I have never gotten a moving violation in my life. Not a single one. I don’t crawl; I just don’t speed excessively. My goal is to find a speed where I get to where I need to go without pissing anyone off but also that if a cop pulls me over he will feel silly having to say something like, “You were going 45 in a 40 mile per hour zone. Also, I see those pigeon carcasses and the bucket of birdshot in your backseat. I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle, ma’am.”
The other thing about Pittsburgh drivers is that they super suck at obeying school bus laws — driving past the flashing red lights and the red stop sign arms that swing out and light up.
In order to address this problem, the Pittsburgh Public School buses are now equipped with cameras via a program called BusPatrol that is fully funded by violator fines. Basically, if you zoom past a stopped PPS school bus, a video of you doing so will be sent to the company, they’ll review it, judge you, put your picture up on their internal memo board, throw darts at it all “BARBECUE SAUCE” and then send video proof of your acute jagoffness to law enforcement who will issue you a fine.
The program went into effect yesterday, but for a short grace period that ends in July, you’ll only get a written warning.
Now here’s the kicker (as Pittsburgh moms love to say*): the cameras have been in operation since the beginning of the school year. Guess how many times the cameras have captured violators whipping past stopped school buses since just January?
The answer is … TEN. THOUSAND.
At a rate of over 92 per day.
You collective maniacs are risking Pittsburgh kids’ lives over 90 times a day. And they’re generously just going to give you a warning until July when what they should be doing is immediately fining your trash butt and sending me the list of violators.
“Ma’am. Are you aware you were going 72 on this here stretch of Bigelow that has a 35 mile per hour limit? Also, I see all the terrified people you have tied up in your backseat. I’m going to need you to step out of the vehicle.”
“First of all, ‘officer,’ if that is your real name, there’s no speed limit on Bigelow…”
*They also love to say, “What a corker.” Pittsburgh moms are the best.
2. Unholy or all-heavenly?
Pittsburgh. Your butts. Find them. Grab them. Hold on to them.
If your butt has not been sufficiently wowed, let me zoom in:
What you are gazing upon is the condiment version of those Coke machines that let you customize your pop flavors into things like melonbanging mangolicious cherry lime Pepsi with a shot of Sprite. This machine, called Heinz Remix, is a “customizable digital sauce dispenser” being unveiled by Kraft-Heinz this week at the National Restaurant Association Show in Chicago.
Basically, you pick a base sauce—currently ketchup, ranch, 57, or barbecue—then you add flavor enhancers—currently jalapeño, chipotle, buffalo, and mango.
Man, mango is having a DECADE. Just out here being in everything from your bruschetta to your Pepsi to your dish soap to your ranch dressi— oh gross. Mango ranch dressing. I bet it tastes exactly like throwing up in your mouth.
Is this invention a Good or a Bad? Here’s my take: it’s a Both.
Mango barbecue? Jalapeno ranch? I’d try those. And if they ever add mayo to the machine, I’ll go absolutely nuts like some kind of sauce-creating savant. But you know that friend you have that when they did spin art at Kennywood as a kid, they just kept dumping colors on colors until they went home with a framed painting of a void? That person is going to be telling you to try some truly unholy combinations that might have you shooting fire out of your butt. Or your mouth. Maybe both.
It’s definitely a Both.
I can’t wait to try it.
3. A fun stumble-upon
I was hunting for a funny Pittsburgh-themed bumper sticker to include with my school bus portion of this post when I stumbled upon this fantastic sticker (not an ad!):
That is definitely an “if you know you know” sticker. If you are an ex-pat who puts this on a water bottle, laptop, skateboard or whatnot, please let me know how you explain it to nebby non-Burgh people.
You’ll have to explain Kennywood, the arrow signs that used to guide the way to the park, and then how it all became linked to your zipper being down.
Let me know if you hear them whispering while walking away, “He looked so normal but then he started going on about rabbits and kangaroos.”
P.S. LOOK AT THIS STICKER. I’m telling you now I’ll put something from this shop on the Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide. My goodness. Zoom in on the gorgeous details. Not an ad.
4. Is that the Point in your pants or are you just happy to see the Confluence?
You’re obviously familiar with one of the first written descriptions of the confluence (drink!) as coming from George Washington in November 1753 when he wrote this familiar, famous passage as a young man:
“As I got down before the canoe, I spent some time in viewing the rivers, and the land in the fork; which I think extremely well situated for a fort, as it has the absolute command of both rivers.”
While I was researching for an upcoming Pittsburgh Magazine column as well as for a fun new history project I’m working on, I found a May 26, 1754 letter written by an English “Officer of Distinction” in which he too described our Point. I’ve not found it reprinted anywhere, so I wanted to share it. Here it is as it appeared in Philadelphia’s Pennsylvania Gazette on December 26, 1754. Keep in mind that when he wrote this letter, Fort Duquesne construction had just begun by the French several weeks earlier, and this officer was like, WE CANNOT LET THEM FRENCH ASSHOLES HAVE THIS:
No, you’re not seeing a bunch of fs just randomly thrown into words. That is the old long s, just another kind of lower case s. If you zoom in, you’ll see it actually looks different from an f as shown in the word furnished:
Just a funky looking tall s is what it basically is. I understand the use of the long s is weird to read, so here’s the text:
I have had the pleasure of a jaunt down the Monongahela within a small distance of the French. The country is inviting, famous for water, timber and soil. I have obtained a particular description of the river Ohio, and the rivers falling into it, with all the adjacent lands for the space of 500 miles. In my opinion, to possess it would be a greater acquisition to France than the conquest of all Flanders*. I could demonstrate it, but the reasons are too prolix to be inserted in a letter. It would enable that kingdom to establish and support a naval strength equal to any in the universe; and consequently carry the point they have been aiming at for a century past. Nature seems to have furnished this country in the most lavish manner with all the conveniences and comforts of life. I have seen a deal of limestone, coal and rich iron ore, all convenient for water carriage.
Wow, did this dude ever fall in love with us. Head over heels. Like, get a room with the confluence, my guy. Sheesh.
The biggest thing you should take from this is that the next time someone disses Pittsburgh, your snappy, not-at-all-nerdy comeback should be, “Excuse you! To possess Pittsburgh would be a greater acquisition than the conquest of all Flanders!”
It helps if you’re wearing a powdered wig when you say it.
The second biggest thing you should take from this is that the next time you’re engaged in a debate and find yourself without a retort, just say, “I could demonstrate it, but the reasons are too prolix.”
Your opponent won’t want to admit they don’t know what prolix means so they’ll probably just throw whiskey on your wig and storm off to steal your horse. If you need some 18th-century insults to throw after them, here you go. My new band name is 100 percent The Duke of Limbs.
Our opening act is The Duchess of Appendages.
* In 1744, the French invaded and occupied Flanders, a small medieval principality located in northern Europe.
5. So THAT’S what clean looks like!
Pittsburgh used to be dirty dirty dirty. You know this. I’ve featured all the pictures. All the black buildings. It was always hard for me to imagine just how bad it was and how black the buildings were for a long time. Here’s the City County Building being cleaned likely in the 1950s:
Talk about a void. Thanks to my pal James Hill (former mayoral staffer), who shared these images, I learned that the piers of the Sister Bridges aren’t actually black; they were just dirty from old soot that was never cleaned:
I regret that I did not hold on to my butt before I saw James’ tweet because when I tell you I was stunned. STUNNED.
Click here to go see his photos embiggened. Here’s why this is amazing. We’ve been walking past exactly what the stone buildings of Pittsburgh once looked like when they were soot-covered and we never even realized it. What a relic of sorts!
I kind of wish they had kept one stone dirty like the Cathedral of Learning used to have before some dumbutt contractor cleaned it like a mom swiping your half-full drinking glass the second you turn your back on it so she can put it in the dishwasher.
Right now my mother is like “Oh, CALLED OUT BY MY OWN DAUGHTER ON HER INTERNET BLOGGING SITE!”
Damn straight. Although, my brothers in law tell me that I’ve started to exhibit this same sociopathic behavior. So, you know… circle of life, etc. etc.
Go see the clean piers!
6. It’s a short one!
And that’s all I have time for in this edition.
Have a fantastic week! For the love of Mister Rogers, do not drive around stopped school busses, you conveyanced jackwagons. Be kind! Be safe! And be sure to come see my punk band Digital Sauce Dispenser.
Unholy Mango is our opening act and they ALL OVER THE PLACE.