My corgi so thicc he come from outer space
I'm a rapper now
I think it’s safe to say, without knocking on wood, tossing salt, or threatening the family of a famous groundhog, that winter really is over. But can it be over if it never really started?
I’d tell you I was going to be brave and put my snow shovel away, but guess what? I NEVER HAD TO GET THE SNOW SHOVEL OUT.
Three cheers for climate change!
(1. I’m joking. 2. BOOM! Politics!)
1. Can you give that to me in juvenile velociraptors?
I’m going to write briefly about a meteorite that hit Texas and why would I, whose entire identity is wrapped up in Pittsburgh, write about godforsaken Texas*? Stick with me.
So this meteorite hits Texas, and one thing about the media is it likes to try to explain the size of things by comparing them to the size and weight of other things. “A pothole the size of a saucer sled.” “A pigeon the size of a 7-month-old human baby terrorized the blogger formerly known as PittGirl today until she was forced to punch it dead out of the sky.” You get it.
Well then there’s this:
Fine. Okay. A half-ton meteor. One thousand pounds. Got it. I have a general frame of reference to understand just how much that is. It’s a lot. Real heavy. Would not want that falling on my house, car or person.
Now, that is the headline in the story from the WPXI Facebook page and, my loves, behold:
SEVEN. FULL. KEGS. OF. BEER.
Do you see what happened here? This writer said, “I’m going to inject some real ‘large boulder the size of a small boulder’ energy into this,” and then she went and looked up how much a keg of beer weighs (assuming she didn’t just know it off the top of her head), and then divided that number into 1,000. Let’s check the math.
Google says a keg of beer weighs 160 pounds and we know Google is Jesus-levels of omniscient.
Divide 1,000 by 160 carry the one regroup smack your ass spin three times math isn’t real and the answer is …
Ooooh. I’m going to call 7 an overestimation and this person gets a C-minus for not rounding down to “more than six” or up to “nearly six and a half.”
I then went hunting to see how other news outlets described the size of this meteor and most said things like 1,000 pounds, or half-ton, or “the equivalent of 8 tons of TNT” (aka 123 full kegs of beer and yes I did the math and yes from now on all of my measurements will be in full kegs of beer), and, this is real:
Comin’ in hot.
I mean, I knew Corgis were thicc but wow. Had no clue you could stuff four baby elephants worth of weight into a package that small. Let’s do the math!
Google says a newborn elephant weigh on average 264 pounds. Divide that into 1,000, jump three times, shoot tequila, regroup, and the answer is …
A+. Will accept this rounding up.
And hell yes Corgi-Sized Meteorite is my new band name.
And hell yes I want a bathroom scale that says, “Congratulations, you weigh less than a full keg of beer! Eat some cookies to celebrate.”
(h/t reader CagyGibbon)
*Calm down, Dallas P. Stetson. It’s a joke. Don’t throw your horse’s shit on my lawn.
2. Is our children learning?
A Central Catholic High School student was detained on the way back from a mission trip after making a false bomb threat against an American Airlines plane at the El Paso International Airport last week, officials said.
Oh no no no. Well, surely in this day and age, this student was misunderstood, right? Merely was overheard using the word bomb and all hell broke loose?
Agents said while the aircraft was in taxi, passengers got a message on their Apple device via AirDrop that said "I have a bomb and would like to share a photo." Officials said the teenager confessed to the AirDrop.
How is there a human that doesn’t know you don’t even think the word “bomb” in an airport or airplane?*
And you certainly don’t verbalize the word bomb. And you certainly don’t say you have a bomb. And as sure as I am that you can shove four baby elephants worth of weight inside a space rock the size of a Corgi, I know you should not AIRDROP A BOMB THREAT TO AN ENTIRE PLANE AS A JOKE. The only place you might get away with that is on Spirit Airlines where they’d be like, “LOL. That was a fun one. We are 80 percent sure there is no bomb on board and we really appreciate you all taking the time to help us tighten the bolts on your chairs so they don’t fall over during takeoff.”
What a weird way to wind up in jail and charged with a felony after a mission trip of all things. Thoughts and prayers, indeed.
*On one hand, I’m exaggerating. On the other hand, I think we all know we can pretty much think, “I need a new phone case” and three hours later all of your Instagram ads will be like, “For no reason at all—I mean, we certainly didn’t read your mind lol—here are some cool phone cases you might like.”
3. A few requests for the Pirates
The Pirates are getting a new scoreboard at PNC Park and I am only bringing this to your attention so that maybe someone from the team will see this:
FOR THE LOVE OF BABY ELEPHANTS MAKE THE CLOSED CAPTIONING BIGGER.
People like me cannot understand a word the announcer says because it comes out echoing and jumbled. But the closed captioning font/height/size is like …
Give us deaf/HOH people a break and make it just a little easier to read.
And now that you’ve built up your Korean roster, how about you give us some Hangul Pirates merchandise this year? It will sell.
And while I’m out here making requests, how about you don’t suck a full bag of donkey omelets this year lest I Airdrop “I have an intense hatred of Bob Nutting and would like to share a photo” to every person in my section.
Guess how many fingers I’ll be holding up in said photo? About 2/160ths of a full keg of beer. Someone check my math?
4. Gonna leave my gun here on the dash. I’m sure it will be fine.
From reports, there have been a rash of thefts from cars committed by THE DAMN YUTES in Mt. Washington for the past six or seven months. This is bad. No good. Should be addressed. Yes.
“Kid walked down the driveway nonchalantly. Unfortunately, I left my truck unlocked and he got right in sat in for a little bit and just left, took what he wanted.”
“Luckily, they didn’t take anything of real value out of the car, just some change and loose cash, but I’ve heard incidents of guns missing.” When it comes to guns, police said people are often leaving them in plain view or not storing them properly.
Shoemaker says although her car wasn’t damaged, personal items were stolen, like her Social Security card.
Both victims said they are not sure if they locked their cars overnight.
"They're taking money, they're taking credit cards, they've taken guns. There have been guns in these cars," Masucci said.
My yinz, in the words of Jerry Maguire:
Why are you leaving your guns, credit cards, cash, social security cards, keys etc. in your cars and sometimes your unlocked cars and sometimes in plain sight when you say you know this has been an issue for THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS??
I’m not excusing what these kids are doing and if it happened to me, I’d be upset, but maybe don’t make it so easy for them and maybe, I don’t know, be more careful with where you leave your ballistic weaponry?!
5. My hermit dreams crushed
Welp, the Wabash Bridge piers have sold, and sadly not to me because I never officially looked into buying them even though I really wanted to put a tiny house on top of one of them and live alone in it one day and then before long, every person that drove past it would be like, “That’s where that bonkers hermit Ginny lives. I heard she weighs three full kegs of beer these days.” I’d be a Pittsburgh oddity and a treasure.
Instead, it will probably become something boring like, ugh, advertising.
The all-cash sale was through a third-party intermediary. A.J. Pantoni, director of industrial services for Hanna Langholz Willson Ellis, signed a non-disclosure agreement. For that reason, the final price, the owner and their plans for the piers haven’t been disclosed.
Now, I did look into the history of the sale of these piers and they were purchased in 1958 by Dormont politician and congressman James Fulton and became known as the Fulton Piers for a long time. They were also the object of many a prank as political activists and candidates would sneak to the piers in the middle of the night. I’m going to go deeper into that fun side of the history at a later time as the pictures are quite hilarious. But for today …
When Fulton requested ideas for use of the pier after he purchased them, this was one submitted via the March 30, 1958 Pittsburgh Press:
That’s a recreation center geared toward boaters and there’s a restaurant on top.
Another plan was these amazing sight-seeing cable cars that I am 100 percent on board for:
Another bonkers idea:
Can you imagine the sight of that?! Holy shit. And I don’t hate this idea honestly:
But the important thing is this: whoever bought them better do something cool with them after all this time that they’ve just been sitting there.
Next week I’ll share all the fun stunts that happened with them during the 60s. Good times indeed.
6. And that’s all I have space for today.
Have a fantastic week! Be kind! Be helpful! Don’t leave your loose handful of diamonds on the front seat of your unlocked car! If I’ve made you mad with my Texas joke or my victim blaming or my climate change joke, you can email your complaints directly to firstname.lastname@example.org.