Welp. I went to Florida again.
The launch was scrubbed again.
I came home again.
I have no idea what will happen now … again.
With my usual voice and humor, I wrote about some of the lessons learned from my two failed attempts to check off one of the biggest items on my bucket list — witness a rocket launch. Which sits just a few items away from “go to the Moon” and “pick a ‘GIANT PRIZE’ fishie from the fishing pond game at Kennywood*.” I’ve submitted that piece to the Post-Gazette and will link you to it should they choose to publish it. Should they not, I’ll post it here and we will laugh and cry and hug and hope for another chance to see that damn rocket fly like the bad bitch she was meant to be.
In the meantime, let’s talk.
*I’ve been trying for more than three decades and all I win are erasers so I’m starting to think it’s a scam.
1. I just …
I’m sorry to start with the heavy stuff, but let’s get this out of the way. Behold:
Yes, that is cotton glued to that Pine Richland student’s “promposal” board and yes, I chose to cover their faces even though some local media outlets have not. I don’t know why I felt the need to cover them up. I don’t want to protect them. But I also don’t want to contribute to whatever the hell pain they’re about to experience for this epically stupid decision.
Deep breaths, everyo—
Ah, screw it. Scream. Scream into the void. Scream to the sky about how. How. How. How can this be happening. How can these local teens not know better. How can they risk their futures for social media shares/likes/re-truths/clout or whatever the hell they call it in the various apps these days. How can they be so racist. And so blatantly and proudly so.
You’re wondering where the question marks are. You’re wondering if my keyboard broke. Maybe her brain broke.** You’re wondering if I forgot how punctuation works% You’re wondering if you should email me and ask if I smell burning toast.***
There are no question marks because there is no question. Of course the casual racism still exists. Of course there are parents who haven’t yet taught their children about equality and empathy and privilege and about not ruining their futures by posting racist shit to social media. Of course there are teens who don’t know better because of the state of the discourse these days. Because social media lets racism grow. Flourish. Often unchecked. Because the history has been forgotten or in some cases nearly erased from the schools.
CRT doesn’t exist in high schools and it never has and if you believe it has you are a victim of some truly foul lies meant to scare you with something THAT SHOULDN’T ACTUALLY SCARE YOU, but you know what should exist? The kinds of lessons wherein these kids learn hard truths about slavery and the true history of this country. Learn the history that wasn’t written by the powerful. It’s all there for the taking. Perhaps if we started them young, instilled a deep knowledge in them, a true respect for the lost lives of slaves and how their suffering reverberates to this day via institutionalized, systemic racism, these kids would have known better.
Or just let the politicians and school board members and ignorant jackasses continue to scream about CRT while pulling books from shelves until all that’s left are a bunch of teenagers left wondering why their scholarships and college offers were rescinded when they posted their super racist arts and crafts to Tik Tok.
Let. The. History. Teachers. Teach. The. Real. History. You. Racist. School board. Jagoffs —School board jagoffs who at this very school voted to remove language about implicit bias and social justice from their proposed policy to support diverse students.
Cause? Meet effect. You’ve reached the “found out” portion of the “fucked around” equation.
** The other day at a lunch meeting I forgot the word lemon while ordering my water and grad school has begun and I have to read 14 books this semester so yes, my brain is a finely tuned instrument at the top of its game.
*** Which I remind that you back in the early half of the 20th century, when toast was burning in a diner, the waitstaff or cooks would call out “Pittsburgh!”
2. It’s almost that time!
I was in Sam’s Club yesterday where I was viciously and brutally attacked by Christmas decorations, ribbons, candies, tin towers, nutcrackers, lawn decor, and more. The burns still sting and the bruises are turning from red to green, so that’s festive.
I hate Christmas Creep, as they call it, but I also know I need to start early on my annual Yinzer Holiday Gift Guide. You know it; you love it; you make items sell out each year. So this is me asking you to hit my inbox (virginia [at] thatschurch [dot] com) with your suggestions for local products, or products made by or for Pittsburghers, that would make great gifts. I’ve already begun my research and have found some awesome new things for the list.
I also found some things NOT for the list for one reason or another and wanted to share these cool finds now:
From upper left to lower right:
This is a “cookie table bridge” and there are various lighted bridge designs to choose from. They are meant to be used as cookie-holding decor on a wedding cookie table. How cool is that?
I’m not normally a fan of IN YOUR FACE BLACK AND GOLD Steelers-themed gear, but I like the message of this sweatshirt.
I am a fan of the F word and I bet you know at least one person who should own this simple yet pointed mug.
A two-bus struggle bus sticker LOL. God bless Sinkhole Bus and Fern Hollow Bridge Bus. Never forget.
Fioris Slut sticker.
Heinz Field Forever sticker.
Love them all. Email me your suggestions! You can also slide into my Twitter DMs if that’s easier. I actually have to say this every time for reasons … no nudes plz.
3. How about no?
“My goal is to make Pennsylvania the Florida of the north,” Mr. Mastriano told the crowd.
Are you kidding me? Florida? Florida?!
Florida. The state no one wants to be. The state for which you can plug into Google “Florida Man” followed by your birthdate and get any number of ridiculous headlines. My birthday gives me:
Florida Man Charged with Felony Battery after Throwing Chili at Someone
Florida Man Hits Sleeping Roommate on Head with a Skillet for Being a “Confidential Informant”
Florida Man Arrested after Driving Off from a Traffic Stop and then Calling 911 to Rub it in
Please. I know we have alligators as part of our ecosystem now, but, please, any state but Florida. I’d rather be America’s next armpit than its next sinkhole-riddled penis.
4. Sometimes Twitter is good (Rarely. Mostly it’s a wasteland.)
Mayor Ed Gainey posted an immediately iconic picture of himself with President Joe Biden at Pittsburgh’s Labor Day festivities and said picture quickly became a meme. This is the best one of them all:
Art. 10/10. No notes.
5. Just 100 percent over this stupid election
"BIG NEWS! John Fetterman has agreed to debate at a SECRET DEBATE. We don't know WHERE. We don't know WHEN. We don't know HOW. It's a big SECRET!"
Yinz. This ridiculously formatted, ridiculously worded, ridiculously ridiculous statement was actually released by the Dr. Crudite campaign. Like someone is getting paid to write this childish shit and then release it as an official statement to the media. The real story is that Fetterman has now committed to one televised debate with Oz in October, but is still working out the details as he recovers from a stroke that has left him with “auditory processing” issues.
Whether or not Fetterman’s health will allow him to effectively serve the term he will likely win is a separate matter. What matters here is the childishness of this entire campaign. I cannot wrap my head around how awful it has become, with each candidate tossing respectability out the window and trying to win votes by out-dissing the other.
Look, both of you, just release your diss-tracks and let the people decide who wins the battle and then turn your attention fully towards a slightly more mature version of a political race than this weird “nuh-uh-you-are!” bullshit you’ve engaged in until now.
I’ll even use an online rapper-name generator to help you find your names:
Fetterman, you are now Johnormous F (track entitled “I is Shorts and Don’t You Forget it”).
Dr. Oz, you are now EmEeEmEeTee (track entitled “Bitch Better Have My Crudite”).
May the best bully win.
6. And that’s all yinz!
I have papers to write and books to read and cookies to inhale and scrubbed launches to rue. I wrote a lot of stuff here that might upset you. I get it. I feel for you. Providing good customer service is always my goal. Here’s the website to visit for help:
Under menu options choose “My snowflakeitis is acting up.”
I think they have a spray for that.