"Oh, great container of hardened vegetable oil ..."
Vote-counting at the disco-diner got crizay-zy.
And we’re back!
And by “we” I mean “me” is back (hella good grammar) from completing the coursework for my history degree that culminated in a 57-page look at Andrew Carnegie’s true motivations for his historic philanthropy. If your answer is “guilt,” you are wrong, in my opinion. Many Pittsburghers seeking a better understanding of Carnegie, his conflicts, and his giving have expressed desire to read my conclusions. I’ll work on having it available for free download soon. It is the result of two years and literally thousands of pages of research. I think any Pittsburgher would learn quite a bit and it’s written in my usual easy-to-read narrative style. I’m not one of those scholars who tries to sound smarter by writing as convolutedly as possible. I know I’ve got a good brain, bitches; I don’t need to vomit out a thesaurus to prove it.
That said, a two-week hiatus means we have stuff to discuss, so let’s get to it:
1. A controversial opinion — as if I have any other kind
The first thing I’d like to talk about is how love is dead.
Oh, love is in the air, you say?
Hahah. I kid, I kid. But I really do want to talk about love — specifically … the love locks on Pittsburgh’s bridges.
Two decades’ worth of love locks on Pittsburgh’s Roberto Clemente Bridge will not be love lost, but rather removed and donated for an art project when the bridge shuts down for planned rehab work on Valentine’s Day.
So just how many love locks were on the Clemente? Hold on to your cold black hearts:
Allegheny County officials estimated there are around 11,000 love locks on the bridge
ELEVEN. THOUSAND., she exclaimed much the same way Tiffany “New York” Pollard says, “Beyoncé?!”
If you asked me before I learned this little number nugget, “Your highness, how many love locks do you think are on the Clemente Bridge?” I would have replied with, “Around 800? And where’s my 3 p.m. Nutella snack? I’ve already finished my 2 p.m. sleeve of Thin Mints.”
No way would my answer have been anywhere near ELEVEN THOUSAND. I did some rough math averaging each lock around 2 inches (the true average is probably more like 2.5 because some of them are big enough to lock up a Tyrannosaur) and I calculated that if these ELEVEN THOUSAND love locks were laid end-to-end, they would stretch across more than six football fields. These ELEVEN THOUSAND love locks also likely weigh more than an actual ton.
A TON! Continuing on:
Officials asked people to stop adding locks to any county-owned bridges.
Here’s my unpopular opinion: love locks attached to bridges are 3D graffiti and that is all they are and I’ll steal your voice and poison your apple and make a coat out of your puppies because I have become a Disney villain. But in seriousness, I’m a big believer in “leave it as you found it,” whether that be a bridge, a wall, or nature. It’s why I had a real problem when Baron Batch decided to go all faux-Banksy-wannabe on the Three Rivers Heritage Trail and the Hot Metal Bridge, while some were like, “He’s an artist and used to be a Steeler; it’s fine.”
I understand and support organized public art projects and even some well done unsanctioned ones, but love locks are not those. So, I implore you, unless the city specifically rehabs the bridge to have a designated place for moon-in-the-sky-pizza-pie lovers to hook hardware manifestations of their devotion, no more love locks on our bridges. No additional ELEVEN THOUSAND keys tossed into our rivers — keys which are nothing but litter and I’ll let your cat-dad fall from a cliff and I’ll try to kill your hideous beast-lover and I’ll rip up your mouse-made ball gown and I’ll lock you in a high tower with nothing but a hairbrush and a scrunchie.
Death to love locks.
2. Speaking of bridges …
In light of the collapse of the Fern Hollow Bridge, the question has arisen … with what will they replace it? Will we get something cool? Or the usual boring uninspired concrete bridge that looks like a ten-year-old made it in Minecraft? Local architect Walt Haim mocked up some possible fun replacements and I had to share:
“Probably won’t collapse anytime soon.” LOL.
I’m certainly a fan of the Parcheggio on account of I’m a dramatic bitch, and it brings to mind when the City was considering turning the Clemente into a bridge of shops similar to the Ponte Vecchio in Venice. I’m kind of sad that didn’t pan out. Haim’s Fancy Ol’ Forbes option just screams Pittsburgh, but I think we all know we’re getting the PennDOT Blue Light Bridge Special. But it’s fun to dream.
Also, Puente Clemente rhymes and rings and is in Roberto’s native language so where do I submit my renaming request and will the online form allow me to select the salutation of “HRH?"
3. Go directly to the Allegheny County Jail. Do not pass go. Do not stop at the church for a fish sandwich.
Well this is fun:
Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly, has partnered with Top Trumps USA Inc. to create games focused on specific locations. Pittsburgh is the ninth city in the U.S. to be included.
Hasbro is up for suggestions on specific items and places to be included in the game but I’ve already decided the tokens should be:
An incline car
Mister Rogers’ tennis shoe
An plastic orange crate
A parking chair
A ketchup bottle
A Terrible Towel
Also, I don’t know if you know this, but there once upon a time was a board game called Strictly Pittsburgh that looked like a Monopoly knockoff and was honestly pretty cool:
You can see more pictures in higher res in this eBay listing for the game. Also …
People sure did dress differently for game night back in the 70s and 80s. He looks like he’s about to host the Star Search finale.
4. I pity the fool named Mehmet Oz
Um, guys?
Does … does New Jersey’s Pennsylvania U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Oz think he’s running for the WWE? Why is he out here just randomly Twitter-challenging dudes to verbal cage-matches? I thought we agreed he was a General Hospital villain, not some kind of roided-out wrestling heel. He tells Fetterman he wants to “throw it down.” He tells Fauci, who is not even running for any public office, “You and me. Anytime. Anywhere.” Now, my voting loyalties lie with Kenyatta or Lamb, but I would 100 percent watch a real debate with real moderators where John Fetterman shows up in shorts, looking like he meant to go to Home Depot, and Dr. Oz walks in like …
Politics are beyond help at this point. Burn it all down and start over.
Also, I’m going to start following Dr. Oz’s example from now on. “Oh, you think ‘Space Force’ is a bad show and not actually the greatest John Malkovich vehicle in a long time? I challenge you to a debate. You and me. Anytime. Anywhere. I’ll crush you. Bring it on, mom.”
5. Is it a sewing kit or is it votes? Let’s find out!
Did you see this story? The Democratic Committee choosing a candidate for a special election in the state House came to a tie and the way they resolved the tie? At first they considered a coin toss, but that idea was rejected in favor of the much saner …
margarine tub.
I’m not even joking:
So apparently the state election code says that breaking a tie is done by “drawing lots” and then hitching your horse back up to your wagon and hieing it on home to the prairie ‘fore supper is on and the biscuits done get cold, Pa. There’s a video of the whole crazy disco-diner atmosphere and I know you think I’m joking but please watch the video for yourselves. You’d think they were picking the winner of a door-prize at the roller rink. Absolutely bonkers.
This whole situation reminds me of those blue butter-cookie tins your grandma used to have sitting around and you’d grab it and rip the lid off thinking it’s delicious cookies but instead it’s just her sewing supplies or fruitcake … or votes.
Regardless, I hereby challenge every single person in that diner to a debate.
6. If it looks like, smells like, blows the popsicle stand like …
Remember the chupacabra that said “eff all this shit” and busted itself out of the local wildlife rescue center by literally CHEWING OFF A RUBBER WINDOW SEAL? In news that should surprise no one, what the media dubbed as “a mysterious creature” has been determined via testing to be a …
drum-roll on the margarine container lid please …
DNA testing confirmed it is 100% a coyote, said Morgan Barron, wildlife rehabilitator.
Ya don’t say? The thing that Hulked-out so hard he managed to bypass ten million years of evolution to figure out how to open cages and doors and to deconstruct windows was a wild animal?!
Everyone who placed a slip of paper with “coyote” written on it into the Margarine Container of Decisioning (band name!) is a winner. Everyone who wrote “dog” is an unintelligent loser. And every media outlet that breathlessly reported it as a “mysterious creature” is hereby challenged to a debate. Let’s throw it down, Mehmet Oz style.
7. That’s all for today. Let’s keep Ukraine in our hearts and pin our hopes on David beating Goliath somehow. Let’s celebrate COVID’s currently loosened grip on our lives and hope it stays that way. And let’s leave all our hard decisions up to the empty margarine containers; they know the way.
See you next week. Take leave of your queen with a bow.