Listen, last week got away from me. I wake up. I have a million Things. Grad school Things. Magazine Things. Book Things. Life Things. Single mother Things. Learning how to disconnect the spark plug wire on the push mower so I can safely remove the dried grass that’s stopping up the blade Things.
Let me tell you about this. I went to cut my grass last week, and since my eldest moved away for flight school, I’m now the grass-cutter in my two-person household and there’s no amount of money that would convince my 16-year-old daughter to take on the task. But I couldn’t get it started. I pulled the pully-handle-thingy (technical term) and it just got stuck after a few inches. I texted my son. I texted my father. I texted a brother-in-law. They crowdsourced. “Check the blade,” said my brother-in-law. “But first disconnect the spark plug wire!” texted my always-looking-out-for-me father. “Does it have oil,” texted my son. I sent them pictures of two wires and asked if either was the spark plug wire because neither was coming off despite my best efforts. “No,” texted my BIL. “LOL,” texted my son. “On my way,” texted my father.
By the time my dad arrived ten minutes later, I’d located the spark plug wire and managed to unstick the blades without chopping an appendage off. When the mower started right up, I made my dad high-five me just so I could triumphantly declare, “I don’t need no man!”
“I don’t need no man!” After I texted three men who amongst themselves diagnosed the problem and told me how to fix it without needing an ambulance or a funeral expenses GoFundMe.
Long story, short: I cut my grass last week and so I didn’t write the newsletter. If that sounds like a lame excuse, would you believe my dog ate my newsletter? Let’s go with that one.
1. Seems scammy
First up! You know I’m constantly scouring eBay for fun and affordable Pittsburgh history finds to add to my collection of randomness. So when I get a notification that there’s a new antique Pittsburgh “Art Map Print” for sale for $199.99 U.S. dollars, I’m like, “Ooooh. I must see what treasure this is that it costs so much!” [click]*
And …
You guys. It’s a Pittsburgh Zoo visitors guide and map from “the 2000s.” And it’s wrinkled. For ONE HUNDRED NINETY NINE DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE CENTS. Like some person is going to go, “Oooooh. I wouldn’t spend $200, but one penny less? Add to cart!”
This is like when I go to an antique store and they’re selling a six-year-old sun-faded box of tampons for $4.99.**
Might as well call it boxed Toxic Shock Syndrome. But listen, let me open my trench coat here and show you this early 2020s Aviary map that only has a little chewing gum on it. Yours for only $79.99.
* I never know what to write when I want to indicate I’ve activated a link. Most of us are on our phones or iPads and we aren’t clicking. But “[press intentionally]” doesn’t have any oomph. I’m basically an old calling a remote control a clicker and get off my lawn I just mowed it and I had to unplug a spark plug wire to do it I DON’T NEED NO MAN.
** You think I’m joking. I assure you I am not. Also, period supplies should be free. If males bled from their genitals once a month, there would be free menstruation products mailed to the front door twice a year with coupons for ice cream, Midol, therapy and mani-pedis. Fight me.
2. Our separated-at-birth sister?
This has been on my list of stuff I’ve wanted to share with you forever and I can’t believe it has taken me this long. But! Did you know there’s a twin of our confluence (drink!) half-a-world-away?
Pittsburgh, meet Kaunas, Lithuania:
Talk about …
Not naming any names, but it sure looks like someone got lazy and did an ole creation cut-and-paste job and hoped nobody would notice. Busted.
Note that despite the similarities, whereas Pittsburgh has 12 bridges in that amount of space, Kaunas has four. I wonder if their people also say things like, “I’d love to, but I’d have to cross a bridge, so no thanks.”
Now, I’m not a geography nerd, so I had to look up a bunch of stuff on Lithuania. It’s more northerly located in Europe, so it has four seasons, like we do, but their summers are cooler. And the Kaunas “point” where their two rivers meet? Very very different!
It really does give you a nice idea of what our confluence (drink!) would have looked like in person before the 18th century. Now, I need you all to hold onto your butts right now, please. I’m serious. Grab yo asses because …
KAUNAS HAS TWO INCLINEs. Meet the Aleksotas and Žaliakalnis Funiculars:
Are you kidding me? Go look at all the cool pictures of their inclines. I am starting to think we need to meet up and join forces to take over the whole world. I will be World President.
Kaunas’ city center has a sports museum, like we do (handball and basketball are featured heavily), tons of history sites/museums, a fort museum, and a Mexican restaurant that looks so good I might need to randomly pop into Lithuania for a margarita.
Their visitors’ bureau tagline? “It’s Kaunastic!”
Anyone who spends any time poking around the beauty of the place would have to agree. They have a store with adorable pins and postcards and omg:
For real why doesn’t Pittsburgh have a relationship with Kaunas?
Let’s all go there and picnic at their confluence (drink!) and ride their inclines and eat their potato pancakes and cabbage rolls. Someone charter a plane.*
And you better believe my new oldies band is the Kaunastic Funiculars. We do mostly Nickelback covers and I heard we’re playing at Kennyville Stage a lot this year.
*Last edition, I mentioned we were ten subscribers shy of 2,000. Well you are a bunch of nerds because that number is now nine shy of 2,100. How cute are you? Anyway, gonna need a plane for 2,100 people, thanks.
3. Speaking of …
Yes, I’m now obsessed with Kaunas, Lithuania, but let’s head back to Pittsburgh to talk about these new stickers (at least new to me!) from the love, Pittsburgh shop (h/t to my bestie Woy for pointing me here):
I love them each so much. But I especially love this one that is currently sold out:
Only real Pittsburghers know about this vending machine that has been in operation for 24 years. It’s an institution. An icon. Always standing there minding its own business, looking unbothered and moisturized.
May the Force always be with it.
I absolutely need either a shirt or an embroidered pillow that says, “You’re not interesting; I’m just nebby.”
None of this is an ad. I just love the stickers and figured you would too.
4. A W after the big fat L
The Penguins, well, the Penguins didn’t win last night. Not only did they not win, but, collectively, they played like maybe they didn’t want to win. It was bad. Ugly. Depressing. Sad. And then former mayor Bill Peduto tweeted his best tweet in ages and made a whole bunch of people laugh:
Big fan of legible, topical recycle dumpster graffiti. 10/10. Would retweet.
5. It’s worth a billion dollars in my heart
Two editions ago, I talked to you about how back in the late 19th century and early 20th century, they used to just pick up buildings, giant buildings, and move them. Move them down the river. Move them to a different street. Move them UP. A. HILLSIDE. LIKE. GRAVITY. DOESN’T. EXIST. ON. THIS. EARTH.
The company in Pittsburgh most responsible for this was the Eichleay Company. Their archives are housed at the History Center and let me tell you … this Pittsburgh company was ambitious. Here’s them just randomly moving a downtown Kaufmann’s-sized store in Connecticut, and another photo showing them plopping two houses on a barge in West-by-Satan Virginia where they MOVED A NEIGHBORHOOD:
I have a point. This past week on Pittsburgh Today Live, during a recurring segment in which Heather Abraham and David Highfield (love them both so much) try to guess the worth of antiques, an Eichleay glass paperweight was an item! (h/t to my good pal Jonathan for this tip)
If I were a host on this show, first, there’d be a lot more pigeon slander, and second, I would have been all, “Before I show you my guess, how many zeroes are in a katrillionbillionty?”
Heather guessed $25 and I said, “Only off by a trillion billionty.” David did better at $80.
The true value? 25 dollars. I demand a seizure of the voting machines, some fake electors and maybe an insurrection. (Boom! Politics!)
As a final note, I’d like you to know that Eichleay once moved an entire city block in Youngstown, Ohio. Maybe we can get them to move Cleveland to Canada and the Baltimore Ravens’ football stadium to, I don’t know … the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?
6. Wrap-up!
I’m out of space! Have a great week! Be kind. Stop calling in active shooter hoaxes, you scum. Stop littering. Pick up litter you see. Report illegal dumping to 311. Can you tell I’m on an anti-litter kick in light of the fact that the city is DROWNING in litter these days? More on that in a future edition, though. For now, stop being trash pandas and clean up after yourselves lest I resurrect the Eichleay Company just to move your whole ass house to Philly where it belongs.