Happy Day After Election Day to all who celebrate! I sure do because it means my mailbox will no longer be flooded with dozens and dozens of anti-Summer Lee mailers because that shit was getting ridiculous.
I voted for her partly out of spite on behalf of my mailbox, which I swear I once heard mutter to me when I opened it, “Honey, this has to stop.”
As usual, we have a lot to discuss, so let’s get to it!
1. A perfectly normal thing to say
“When you put your head on that soft pillow you know [I] will be doing exactly what you want me to do if you were here next to me.”
Is the above statement:
A commercial for My Pillow
The skeeviest pick-up line ever uttered since that Sheetz paper towel dispenser rejected Jeff Reed
Something Dr. Oz said in a television interview making a final plea to voters on election eve
OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
I need to go take a shower real quick. I’ll be right back.
Okay. I’m clean. Ish. I might need to soak in tomato juice later idk.
If you watch the video closely, you can see the exact moment Oz realizes what he said, how terrible it sounded, and then he short-circuits, his face changes, and he dies inside—all in the space of like half-a-second. A remarkable thing to behold.
As it stands right now, Oz is neck-and-neck with Dave McCormick and no winner has yet been called. One thing’s for sure, if Oz ekes by with a win, his acceptance speech will probably be all, “I have always been good at pulling it out in the end!”
I need to go shower again.
I hope you’re all prepared for a contentious general election because things are going to get really nuts. Don’t believe me? Look at what’s trending over at the Post-Gazette and take a look at the dates:
Sing it with me …
2. Eye bleach to erase Dr. Oz
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Pittsburgh Pirates!
I have so many things I want to say but I’m laughing so hard, I can barely type. Where to start? Where to start?
Okay, first, let’s start with the misleading wording of the tweet. “So you decided to run on …,” makes it sound like Seiya Suzuki has such a pistol of an arm that he could throw out Usain Bolt even if Usain Bolt was given a half-the-distance to home plate lead. But the video takes us from the throw to … this:
You. Guys.
That is not Baby Sinclair from Dinosaurs all grown up; it’s Vogelbach. I’m not trying to body-shame here, but the man IS a professional athlete paid to be athletic and to have athletic skills and abilities and I’m sure he has some, but he’s quite large for a professional baseball player and so he runs like
At that exact speed. I’ve seen people run through six inches of mud with more grace and oomph.
And when he goes to slide, or rather “plop down with a bit of forward momentum,” gravity says, “Bitch, I don’t THINK so. Oh, you’re trying to stand up all pissed after predictably getting thrown out so easily? Hahah. How about no.” So I feel like the tweet should have simply read, “At least he tried.”
My next thought is, how does one get to be the third-base coach for the Pittsburgh Pirates? Is there a test? A lottery? A cutthroat game of eenie-meenie-miney-mo? How does one see this particular athlete standing next to them on third base, know the extent of his ability to run with any kind of haste, know that a handful of baby ducklings could probably outrun him, know that a kite-high Pirate Parrot could probably throw him out at home, and say, “You know what, buddy? [takes a drag from his cigarette] I believe in you. Run.”
That ball could have landed in Lake Michigan and were I the third-base coach, I’d still have been like, “Hang on one second. Let me just be absolutely sure I can send you.”
Hire me, Pirates. I can’t be worse than what you’ve got.
3. Speaking of “How about no”
Here’s what we’re not gonna do: [gestures expansively in the general direction of Antonio Brown]
The end.
4. An exciting Nellie Bly update!
As you recall from last week’s edition because you are obsessed with me and commit to memory every word I write and I look forward to you buying my book next Spring and having its entirety tattooed on your whole back, Nellie Bly was a badass woman who left Pittsburgh for New York when her editors tried to relegate her to the society pages of The Pittsburgh Dispatch where she wanted to continue to write exposés on local industrialists and those in power. She quit her job here in 1890 by simply not showing up for work one day, leaving her bosses confused until they found a note she had left them:
I mentioned in that post that Commonwealth Press should make a Bly-themed “Look out for me” shirt for women and this happened:
So it looks like we may be getting that “Look out for me” t-shirt!
In the meantime, I already bought some of the current Nellie Bly merch and you can too via this link. None of this is an ad. I buy everything myself and will also do so when/if that new shirt gets made.
You can’t buy my love. Unless you own a yacht, then please, by all means, purchase my love. It is absolutely for sale.
5. While I was there …
While hunting down the Commonwealth Press link, I stumbled on this new-to-me Pittsburgh-themed shirt in their shop and the longer I look at it, the more I discover. It’s like a visual scavenger hunt!
You can see it’s a visual representation of our past and our future. It’s called “Now and Forever Pittsburgh” and it’s for sale here. It would make a cool Father’s Day gift.
Again, not an ad. They don’t have a yacht; they can’t afford me.
6. And that’s my origin story
Something pretty wild happened last week during an epic thunderstorm in Westmoreland County. A home was struck by lightning, blasting a hole in its roof and apparently finding its way to a teenaged occupant inside.
The fire captain of the Circleville Fire Department, Keith Gray, said the lightning went through the girl's pinky finger and out of her left leg.
Giana Scaramuzzo said she was treated by EMS and is OK.
As someone who likes to watch storms from a large picture window in her home, yeah, I’m not gonna be doing THAT anymore. I mean, growing up, how many times would our parents shout, “Git away from ‘at window! It’s lightnin’ aht!” and we’d just stand there secure in our perceived immortality while Zeus played sky darts with 300-million-volt bolts of lightning.
I can’t get struck by lightning. I’m pretty sure it would blow the smoldering hearing aids right out of my ears and them puppies cost a fortune. So my days of storm watching through a window are over.
And parents, now you don’t just have to say, “Get away from the window!” You can point to this exact incident and say, “It’s all fun and games until your toenails start smoking!”
Glad she’s okay. What a story to tell. “I got struck by lightning in my bedroom and all I have to show for it is [shoots a bolt of lighting out of her right eye].”
7. And that’s all I have for you today! Have a great and productive week. My band is off this week, but in the meantime, if you own a yacht, you can always reach me at
Are Snuggies acceptable yacht attire?