Greetings, my lovely bunch of coconuts!
Let’s start with the heavy stuff and then lighten up as we go along, like we’re shedding the weight of our hiking packs by eating all our snacks way too early. Norwin High School — wait! Come back. Thank you. As I was saying, Norwin High School’s homecoming week kicked off on Monday AKA Columbus Day AKA Indigenous Peoples’ Day AKA …
I need to pause a second before I say it. You know, gird my loins, so to speak. I don’t honestly know what girding my loins means but I imagine it looks a lot like constipation? Anyway, Monday was the start of Spirit Week at Norwin High School and the day’s theme? ‘Merica.
Wait! Come back. You gotta stop running from your problems, man. Sit your butt down. Okay, literally the theme was ‘Merica. Look:
Now. Have you ever Googled America and then ‘Merica to see the difference? I’ll just show you. Here’s America:
And here’s [gulp] ‘Merica:
What in the name of Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln? One letter difference and we’ve gone from Old Glory to Glory Glory What in the Hell-elujah. If America is a military flyover at Mount Rushmore on Independence Day, ‘Merica is a cursed Sexy Betsy Ross Halloween costume complete with a flag-print bikini that shoots fireworks out of boob cones. So, you can imagine how some extremely online Zoomers at Norwin displayed their ‘Merica pride on Indigenous Peoples’ Day.
Sent to me by a friend (faces censored because they’re minors) What the actual FUCK is going on at @NorwinSD? What message does this send to students of color? Does this foster a safe and tolerant learning environment?
Wait! Come back! Now, if you go to that tweet and find the second tweet in the thread, you’ll see an atrociously spelled response from one of the students who defended his wearing of the Confederate flag saying it was his “heritage” and that he liked it because it was the United States’ first flag.
I know, baby. I know. Now, I’m not going to get into how wrong that student is about extremely basic flag history, or how several prospective Norwin board members are running on an anti-CRT platform, because I’d rather fling myself head-first into a sarlacc, Obi-Wan. I just want to ask the Norwin administration this — WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU NAMED INDIGENOUS PEOPLES’ DAY AS ‘MERICA MONDAY?!? Way to speak this online racist-y patriotism bullshit into existence — opening wide the door to it to give it a real-world outlet in your school.
Teach the kids the real history and the real flags and the real questionable actions that occurred under each flag. Teach the kids it’s okay if real history makes them uncomfortable. Teach the kids about the rich cultures of the indigenous peoples from whom “our” land was methodically taken. And for the love of Betsy Ross’s pyrotechnic boob cones, TEACH THEM HOW TO SPELL.
Whew. Let’s lighten it up in here with some Pittsburgh history. Halloween is coming up and I decided to head into the archives to learn how Pittsburgh celebrated All Hallow E’en in the old days. And the answer is pranks. So many pranks. This week, I’m going to share some of the pranks from the 1800s that made the news. Next week, we’ll look at the early 1900s. Gird your loins for some doozies.
— Halloween, 1801 — America is but a young adult (and ‘Merica two centuries away from being born), and newspapers are already like “THESE DAMN YOUTHS and their Hallow-Eve rapscallionry!”
Is “plunder gardens of cabbage” a euphemism?
— Halloween, 1857 — A Pennsylvania Railroad train in the city runs over the prone form of a man on the tracks and all the engineers freak the hell out thinking they killed someone. Turns out a bunch of boys made a straw dummy and placed it on the tracks as a Hallow E’en joke.
— Halloween, 1877 — I’m sorry. I laughed at this prank.
I imagine that gentleman was like, “All my cabbages have been plundered and now this! [shakes fist] Youns ragamuffins and your ne’er-do-well mischievin’!”
—Halloween, 1883 — A group of boys completely barricade both ends of a neighborhood street with gates and wooden steps stolen from houses as far away as five blocks.
— Halloween, 1896 — East Liberty at Penn and Frankstown. Some boys dismantled a quartered farm cart while the owner was sleeping at the inn. They then took the cart, piece by piece, up three stories to the roof of a building where they reassembled it and then STRADDLED THE CART across the gap to the adjacent building’s roof. The next morning, the owner wakes and his horse is there but his cart is gone. He searches for hours then finally looks up. A bird? A plane? Superman? No. It’s your horse cart looking like it tried to leap the buildings in a single bound. And failed. Scallywags!
— Some years prior, a Halloween prank involved some East Liberty boys who hauled AN ACTUAL CANNON to the front of a tavern and proceed to dump gunpowder in and then lit it up. The resulting KABOOM woke the sleeping (and maybe the dead) and broke every house and business window in the vicinity. Okay, but where did they get a cannon?! Did every house have a yard cannon just in case war broke out overnight? I need answers.
— This article snippet from 1877 really sums up nicely all the traditional havoc wreaked each Halloween night in the 1800s in Pittsburgh:
If you thought 1800s Halloween in Pittsburgh was bonkers, wait until you hear about the 1900s. Wrap your loins in some extra girding. (I have literally no idea what it means, you guys.)
This week brought us another Pittsburgh mayoral debate and, of course, Democrat Ed Gainey will win the election or may my garden be plundered of all its cabbage. But that didn’t stop Republican candidate Tony “He really said that?” Moreno from really saying some epically dumb stuff.
"Remember my name, Tony Moreno, it means dark or brown in Spanish," Moreno says in closing his opening statement
Moreno just said asthma is bad for black people in Pittsburgh because they smoke more menthol cigarettes than white people.Question from the audience about celebration of Christopher Columbus. Moreno: "I don't believe what's being said about Christopher Columbus is entirely true. There's a different story there."They’re all bad, but that last one? The Pittsburgh Police kept former officer Paul Abel on the force until only recently despite nearly twenty years of complaints and lawsuits. Accountability has been the exception, not the norm. Also, I took a look at Tony’s website and checked out his endorsements.
You’re thinking it too, so I’m just going to say it … ‘Merica.
Heinz, fresh off their amazing ketchup packet roller doohickey thingamabob that I totally purchased, is now selling some pretty awesome Heinz Halloween merch. Limited edition tomato blood, costumes on which to squirt the blood, makeup kits, and even killer (pun!) facemasks. I want them all. (Not an ad.)
Speaking of Heinz and Halloween, I stumbled on this absolutely bonkers 1930 Halloween Salad recipe from the head of home economics at the Heinz House in Pittsburgh, and I was not prepared for the culinary horrors she tried to inflict upon our city by way of a Post-Gazette article.
I know Burghers were a hardcore food-brave bunch back in the 1930s but mayonnaise with apples and pineapple and PEANUT BUTTER?! There is just no way anyone ate this, right? You bet your butt I’m making it ASAP. I’ll let you know next week how it tastes and what color my vomit is.
Apparently at Sunday’s Steelers game a fan spread the ashes of a deceased loved one onto the field edge. Now, if you’ve ever tried to throw baking soda into a swimming pool, you know what happens when even the slightest gust of wind catches the powder — you go back in your house looking like you’re the world’s most inept cocaine snorter. I imagine human ashes have a similar … blowiness? Is that the correct sciency term, scientists? Floatiness?
In the "strange but true" category: Someone tried spreading the ashes of their loved one at Heinz Field during the 3rd quarter of the #Steelers vs #Broncos game & ending up covering fans in the front row. Police are investigating. @KDKA pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2021/10/11/fan…
Can. You. Even. Imagine.
Imagine you’re the person spreading the ashes and you say a reverent silent prayer preparing to fulfill a dying wish and then watch in horror as the ash cloud starts floating toward fans’ faces and their beers and nachos and suddenly your grandpa is being inhaled on a “THROW THE BALL!” shout. Gulped down in a warm Miller Lite by third-quarter-drunk Steelers fans smacking their lips all, “Pt-pt-pt. Does this taste a little off to you?” Imagine being the person the ash cloud hit and you’re using your Terrible Towel to perform the unspeakable act of wiping human remains off of your face while wondering aloud, “Did Ben’s knees finally turn to dust? What is this shit?” I don’t even know what I’d do if I went to a football game and came home covered in someone’s Aunt Sharon. But I do know one thing for sure.
Just based on those photos up there, CSI: Pittsburgh is going to be amazing.
And that’s all we have space for! Have a great week, gird your loins, guard your garden from cabbage plunderers unless you are in need of a plundering, and most importantly, if you’re going to spread human remains at Heinz Field?
Maybe don’t.
