Happy Wednesday! Let’s start with the big personal news first:
I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Bah-dum-TISS! Try the veal! Okay, here’s the real news:
So that’s happening and here’s how I feel about it:
Forking terrified.
I have the editing process (and grad school!) in front of me (looking to cut about 5,000+ words from 98,000 lordhelpmebabyjesus) and then next spring you’ll get to read my first book if you so desire. Just knowing strangers’ eyeballs will be on my fiction writing for the first time is humbling and makes me feel nauseous. In some ways, I can’t wait to show you what I can do with fiction; in other ways, AHHHHHHHHH [inhale] HHHHHHHHHHHHHH [gag] HHHHHHHHH. It’s the most vulnerable feeling and I’ve avoided it for a long time for this exact pukey reason.
That said, writing fiction was my first love. I’ve been writing books and screenplays (not very good ones) since I was a teenager. Nothing. Everything. is funny. You’ll laugh out loud. It’s also heartwarming and hopeful and surprising. I’ll keep you all updated as things progress so you can share this terrifying ride with me.
But, whatever you do …
Certain death.
Let’s talk. It’s a short one today because, well, there isn’t much going on! Also, I wrote this super quickly, so if there are typos, please scream into the ether rather than emailing me.
1. Long wave the black and gold and blue and white
I love Pittsburgh’s flag because I am a history lover and a history student and I love the history behind the debate to select Pittsburgh’s colors way back in 1899 when city council was like, ew, we don’t like the gold spots because they look like smallpox lesions (that really happened), and how close our city’s colors came to being blue and white or [gulp] orange and black. You can read all about that in this old post of mine.
What we got was perfect. Black. Gold. Little bit of blue and white. History. Any other city uses black and gold and we don’t judge Pittsburgh against them; we judge them against Pittsburgh. We are the black and gold standard, Mike Tomlin. I can’t think of another city in America whose colors are such a part of its identity as black and gold are to Pittsburgh.
Before Bill Peduto left office, I know his staff was looking to revisit the flag standards and to increase the flag’s visibility via pennants and the like. Apparently, that effort continued on through the new administration because look what showed up on the Boulevard of the Allies:
I. Love. It.
Yes, it pays more attention to the blue and white, but I love it so much I want to marry it and divorce it because marriage is dumb. It’s a bit reminiscent of the streamer standard from 1899:
I still want to see streamers brought back the way they used to fly from bridges a hundred years ago, but let’s be honest—what I really want is a time machine so I can go back to 1899 and punt an old timey pigeon as hard as I can into the Mon knowing PETA does not yet exist to come for my hot unbothered ass.
Compared to today’s hardened pigeons, I imagine the pigeons of yore were less profane upon being punted, and were more like, “Well I’ll be.”
2. Define “all”
I am not a Bill Peduto hater. I lived through Luke Ravenstahl, so I have always appreciated Bill’s dedication to the job and making Pittsburgh better — which I believe he did. We can debate HOW much better and for whom, sure. That said …
“He has led all the progressive orgs in town”
I know I’ve said this before, but I would like to reiterate it in case any of you have forgotten …
WORDS. HAVE. MEANING. Letters come together to form words that correlate to specific ideas or things and those words are placed into structures that can be diagrammed to extract meaning. Because words have meaning, you can’t take one random word and plug it where it doesn’t belong—like replacing the word “the” with the word “tomato.” Tomato boy rides tomato bike to tomato mall and turns around because he just remembered it’s not 1992.
None means zero. Some means some (hire me, Dictionary.com). All means EVERY SINGLE ONE. So what Bill Peduto is saying is that Steve Irwin has led EVERY SINGLE PROGRESSIVE ORGANIZATION in Pittsburgh. He’s saying if there is a progressive organization in Pittsburgh, Steve has led it. He’s saying if you made a list of tomato organizations Steve Irwin has NOT led, you would have yourself a blank piece of paper.
Quite a feat! Must be nice to be omnipresent and omnipotent. If you really want to be a god, Steve, work on that omniscience.
3. Tastes a bit wooden
Speaking of tomatoes! People love to email me questions prefaced with, “You seem to have your finger on the pulse of Pittsburgh—”
First, I don’t. No one does. Pittsburgh is way too broad and segregated and vast and varied and compartmentalized and enigmatic and and and for anyone to truly know her. I couldn’t find Pittsburgh’s pulse if you tattooed a diagram on the back of my hand. If Pittsburgh’s life depended on me finding its pulse, it’s dying like it stood up on The Racer. RIP. But the sign did warn you.
So, in some ways, I’m not surprised I didn’t know about this, but in others ways, HOW DID NONE OF YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS? You’re fired. No severance. Get your things. I don’t care that it’s in Bedford; “details of your incompetence do not interest me.”
That is amazing. Here’s an article about it that includes some pictures of the progress. The owners are Heinz ketchup enthusiasts who had a Heinz-themed wedding (pics please?) and who own quite a large collection of Heinz ketchup bottles. I wonder if they have the purple EZ-Squirt ketchup and what the security situation is at their house so I can break in and steal it.
Bail me out.
I’ll be the smiling chick with purple lips, a bellyache, and wearing a t-shirt for my new band The Ketchup Enthusiasts. Our first single is “Catsup is for Losers” from our debut album Thwack it on the 57.
[throws signs]
4. Twirl on in the big parade in the sky
Monroeville’s David Peters was a magical unicorn who wore silver bodysuits to confidently and effortlessly perform smooth-as-silk baton twirling routines in parades.
Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly at only 49, so I just wanted to point his story out to you in case you weren’t aware of him and his perfect artistry.
I wish I had one-thousandths of his confidence.
5. The lies. The lies.
New Jersey’s Dr. Oz is still out here trying to convince everyone he’s a Pennsylvanian.
As a reminder, this is their home … and it is in New Jersey:
6. If it’s brown, flush it down
Well, history was made by the Pittsburgh Pirates last week as they suffered their worst loss … IN HISTORY.
IN. HISTORY.
When it came time to post the final score, the Pirates’ social media team, who has vast experience in posting losing scores, chose instead to … well, swerve.
Not only did the Pirates experience history, but it was the Cubs’ largest shutout victory IN HISTORY.
IN. HISTORY.
That, my friends, is what you call a double-historical shitting of the bed (I’m a history scholar; trust me; that’s the academia-recognized term).
“We’ve got to flush this one,” Shelton said.
Agree. You might need one of these to do it though, because that was one historical poop:
Thoughts and prayers to Chicago’s water authority for what we hath wrought.
7. That’s all for today, folks! Have a great week and remember, no matter what, don’t ever, ever, ever … stand up on The Racer.
Heads will roll.
If you’re mad about me not hating Bill Peduto, please direct your complaints to
I swear it’s legit.
If it doesn’t work, try putting 876 instead of 800.