It’s a bright and sunshiny day, Pittsburgh!
But there’s no time for personal chit-chat! Let’s talk:
1. The birds are calling. The air is crisp. The Buccos are winnin--.
Listen, if we talk too much about it or dare to look directly at it, it will get scared away and we will be left with nothing but a box of Cracker Jack that expired in 2016 and a 14-dollar bottle of Dasani to show for it. Just watch from the corner of your eye like you don’t care. Like a dog with a ball, the second it becomes aware you’re paying attention, it takes the ball and runs away. Do not, under any circumstances, make direct eye contact with the Pirates win/loss record.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK AT IT, DAMN IT.* Now they’re going to lose their next seven games and your eyes are going to literally burn to raisins and fall out of your skull. Good job.
But to sum up: [whispers] let’s go bucs shhhhhhh
* Boom! Politics!
2. Graffiti is bad unless it makes me laugh
Graffiti is bad.
Let me state that right away. I don’t support the practice and, in general, it makes the city look run-down. I do however think that Pittsburgh should designate more legal graffiti spaces, like the Color Park, which from a quick Google I understand came around as a result of the Baron Batch tagging incident. It makes sense to me that if you can’t stop the practice, give people lots of permissible space to showcase their art at least. Kind of like not letting people hang love-locks on the bridges, but instead giving them a gridded wall somewhere that’s a designated Instagram-worthy spot to do it. Also, love-locks are starting to pop up on the bridges from which they were removed and for the love of my cold dead black heart, please stop with this form of graffiti.
My goodness, I digressed so far I just saw a wallaby hop by.
You may recall last week I shared the hilarious tweet from Bill Peduto in which he used an image of some Bill Peduto-themed dumpster graffiti to express his thoughts on the Penguins missing out on the playoffs. I wasn’t aware, but it appears this has been a theme of local graffiti for some time and is being done by one person.
In fact, after the Bill Peduto Incident, not to be confused with the Baron Batch Tagging Incident or the Virginia Montanez Nutella Incident, at his regular bar, Cappy’s in Shadyside*, during which he apparently engaged in some mild fisticuffs with an accosting patron, this appeared:
As I sit here cackling, let me say again, I don’t condone this, so don’t email me, but …
On the bright side, it looks like chalk of some sort.** If you see any others, please send me pictures. And tell me if it is chalk or something more of a real bitch to get out. In true Pittsburgh fashion of commemorating our weird incidents, someone made a sticker:
Going to be very very hard for me not to buy that. I love you, Pittsburghers. Never change.
Also, come see my band The Bill Peduto Fisticuffs Incident. We are super punk. Until 9:30 p.m. then we go to bed. Wait, or maybe we are The Mild Fisticuffs? If so, our bedtime is more like 8:30, which is five hours after we eat dinner.
*When the news reports first came out, I misread Shadyside as South Side, and let me tell you, I was like, “Wait. Are we sure it wasn’t Lukey??”
**What if Bill Peduto is the one doing it? Did I just solve the case?
3. Yinzer randomness
A. Pittsburgh companies went all-out for this year’s 412 Day and I especially love these wood magnets from one of my fave local makers Keystone Steel Co.:
You can pick your favorites to make a four-pack but I don’t honestly know how you could pick only four. They’re all great. As always, not an ad. Never an ad. Just love them and thought you might too.
B. I somehow missed that the first-ever Yinzer-con took place in Belle Vernon of all places, but it did and from the pictures, it looks like it was a yinzertastic time and I’m sad to have missed it. That said, if anyone from out-of-town ever says to you, “Explain ‘yinzer’,” you should just show them this picture and be done with it:
There it is. Yinzers. In the wild. Perfect. Hang it in a museum.
c. It’s back! Kinda. One of the Heinz Ketchup bottles that was so cruelly ripped from Heinz Field is returning to Acrisure Stadium—still the dumbest corporate name in all of sports and, yes, I’m including The Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl in that.
We should relocate the French Fries from Frank Curto Park and place them underneath the bottle. It would be amazing. I have the best ideas. Someday I’ll run for mayor and my slogan will be “Montanez for Mayor: The Best Ideas” and then in fine print, “for unimportant shit.”
And I would win too, if it wasn’t for The Virginia Montanez Pigeon Incident that’s sure to lose me votes from the animal lovers when the story gets out.
No regrets. Eff them birds.
4. Fetterman the clone
Senator John Fetterman returned to Capitol Hill this week after a lengthy in-patient depression treatment. Honestly, I wasn’t sure he would, could, or even SHOULD return to his job, considering what had transpired. It all just seemed insurmountable. He sure showed me, honestly. Lesson learned: don’t doubt John Fetterman.
While hospitalized, a conspiracy theory began to gain ground. Much like the theory that JFK, Jr. didn’t really die, or that Damar Hamlin actually DID die and we’re all being fooled by deep fakes, much like Fake-Melania, much like Elvis, Tupac, Billy the Kid, and Joan of Arc all faking their deaths, this theory is just as bonkers. The theory is that the new John Fetterman is a NEW John Fetterman. He was cloned. Or it’s a body double that they did super fast-healing plastic surgery on.
It just goes on and on and on and apparently it got tons of attention on Tik Tok as well. As long as I live, I will never understand how John and Gisele Fetterman managed to infect so many people with brain worms that people will go this far in their hate for the two of them. Fetterman, for his part, is taking it in stride and posted a jokey video, which is the right play, so let me be the one to say the serious thing to those spreading this nonsense that he died and was replaced.
Ready?
The man has three children. School age. I’ve met/interacted with them. They’re sweet kids. You’re basically telling them their dad died and was replaced with a fake and that fake is living with them in their house pretending to be their dad. That is some pretty effed up shit. If you wouldn’t walk up to them and say that to their faces, then you know you’re being ridiculous and just trying to find a way to create chaos in the name of politics regardless of who you hurt in your clout-chasing attempt to cope with his win over Dr. A. Broccoli. Your baseless conspiracy theories are actually dangerous to these children. Please think about that.
This is not my politics at play. Yes, I voted for him over Oz; but, you know I’ve also been quite critical of him and didn’t vote for him in the primary. This here is just plain human decency.
5. That’s all for today!
I’ve got too much to do and entirely too little time. Check out the map at Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen, which has some recently added items for you to explore. Yes, I have book launch/pub date news coming! Soon.
Be kind! Stay hydrated! Stop believing in clones and shit. And no matter what you hear …
The Virginia Montanez Zima Incident is all lies.
It was my clone.
Vote early and often!