When last we left our intrepid too-old-for-this-shit MA History student, she had made substantial progress on her thesis after a brief bout of mental paralysis. Since our last episode, she accidentally wrote a dissertation and she accidentally broke her brain so hard that every night for a month the only dreams she had were dreams of … writing a thesis. Her dreaming brain was making up fake sources and then having her dream self read the fake sources and then incorporate them into the dream thesis using proper Turabian citation style.
DO YOU KNOW HOW VERY FORKED UP THAT IS? I’m surprised liquified brain matter didn’t just start oozing into my nasal cavity. I don’t think Puffs makes a tissue for that. Man, Liquified Brain Matter is a great punk band name. I might go with that one. But let’s see how this edition shakes out.
Since I last wrote, I spent most of each day in my office researching, writing, teaching myself statistical analysis and pivot tables (dear lord) and wrestling with stupid-ass Microsoft Word. At one point, I inserted a photo, text-wrapped it, and two whole paragraphs of text got themselves widow-and-orphan-controlled to the next page and I’m pretty sure my Mac called 911 on me. Why are we trying to put humans on Mars when we can’t even insert pictures into Microsoft Word without it bursting into flames?
I’ll have more on my thesis for you in future editions, because it’s important Pittsburgh history showing how decades of city failures to abate pollution and housing shortages left the immigrant working-class wards more susceptible to mortality during the 1918 influenza pandemic.
For now, let’s get me back on my regular bullshit, and talk about all that we’ve missed.
1. Dear Bob Nutting, no one here likes you and you’re bad at your job
The Pittsburgh Pirates are in last place in their division having won only 10 of 25 games, which is honestly about 9 more than I’d have predicted. They stink and they’re finding new stinks to stink and new ways to stink them.
It really does seem that the growing frustration with Bob Nutting’s ownership has reached a level that not even he can ignore, as he historically has. He has had a no good very bad stretch of weeks.
Brick-gate aside, which is a whole story in itself, he was booed during introductions at the home opener while a plane circled overhead with a massive SELL THE TEAM banner. There are actual billboards in the city asking him to sell the team, and other than Bob Nutting himself (and his family), the only person who doesn’t want him to sell the team is Lucifer B. Satan.
In response to the team’s poor start, Nutting first blamed the players, saying, “I think that I’ve done everything that I can to provide the tools and resources to the team. There is a point where it becomes execution.”
Gross. This is like buying scissors at the dollar store and then wondering why they can’t cut carpet. Be for real.
In another interview, Nutting served up an insane word salad. Get some buttermilk ranch and piping hot french fries because I’m about to share the entirety of his recent comments:
I really do appreciate and respect the passion that the fans have for the Pittsburgh Pirates, and the desire they have for this team to win. What I want them to know is that I share that, working every day to put a winner and a championship team out here on this field. We did a lot of that work over the offseason. Fundamentally, my role is to make sure that we have [general manager] Ben [Cherington] in place, and we have Shelty [manager Derek Shelton] in place, and they have the tools to support our players and provide everything that we possibly can to give them an opportunity to succeed.
“I think the other piece that is important for me to do is to make sure that we're filtering out what is a potential distraction, moving us down the wrong path, and get a laser focus on those things that are going to give us the ability to put a championship team on the field. So, I think this year, Ben understands how important this season is. Shelty understands how important this season is. And, as they rebuild coaching staffs, as they rebuild positions, as we've provided more analytics support, those are the things they believe will put us in the strongest position we can possibly be in to win.
“We had a disappointing start. It's a few games in, and we need to see real performance. I have high expectations this year. The organization knows we have high expectations, and I know the fans have high expectations."
The thing with historians is, when we notice even a hint of a pattern across time, we will dig into the archives to prove our argument that there is, in fact, a pattern. Let’s do that now as we pull out some Bob Nutting quotes since 2014:
11 years ago: “We’re going to make sure we’re never focused on total dollars, but how do we really invest effectively so we’re getting the right mix of our development systems, the right mix of talent coming into the organization … and we need to perform and win in Pittsburgh.”
10 years ago: “Our fan base has been reenergized. The results have been additional revenues, all of which we have invested back into the club.”
9 years ago: “As we look for the reasons we’ve been able to be competitive, we had a commitment for the past many years to infuse talent into the organization every way we can.”
8 years ago: “I respect the fans’ concerns and questions because I think it comes out of a really good-hearted place that we are all in. We want to see this team perform up to the level that it can and up to the level that a historic franchise deserves. That message hasn’t changed and will never change as long as I’m in this seat. We believe that by continuing to infuse talent into the organization at every level we can, every way that we can, that we can create a sustained, competitive team. We need to focus on how we move forward, how we push, how we deliver a level of excellence beyond what we’ve done in the past.”
7 years ago: “This year is not a rebuild year. This year is a new direction. We believe that we have the better approach to create a championship team. We certainly believe we have the better approach to be competitive year after year. Do we get there in three days? No. Do we get there over the course of a spring and a season? That’s what we’re focused on doing.”
6 years ago: “I’m not sure I’ve ever been more energized, enthusiastic or pleased with the direction of the organization. The next chapter of the Pittsburgh Pirates is going to be incredibly exciting … we’re going to take a fresh look at every corner of the operation. There’s no question that it’s time on the baseball front. The idea that we are hoarding cash as a team is simply not accurate. It’s time for another burst of innovation. It’s time for a fresh approach.”
5 years ago: “I think we have a solid core, but we need to build around it. We need to supplement. That will take some time.”
4 years ago: “I know how much fans care, and I know how much they want this team to be better. We’re working every day, putting the right people in place to accomplish that. I hope they know how much I care, too. There’s nothing more important to me than getting this right. I respect that they get mad. They should also know that I appreciate and respect the passion and the caring. My responsibility is to make sure we look broadly and don’t get tunnel vision. I am deeply committed to never using the existing [league economics] system as an excuse.” Narrator: He has since used it as an excuse multiple times.
3 years ago: “I do believe we’ve rebuilt [the minor league] foundation to the point that we can really focus on the major league club.”
2 years ago: “We saw real success nearly a decade ago now. It’s been far too long. It’s time for us to get back … we’re just getting started. I think we’re right at the brink of seeing success … It’s been challenging the last few years, but it’s been a building window and we’ve made real progress. We’re seeing the tangible results of that progress. I look forward to seeing where we’re headed.”
To the dumpster, Bob. That’s where we’re headed. To a floating-in-the-flood-waters-while-on-fire dumpster. Because that’s where you have steered the team. I cannot strongly enough express to you that nothing you say matters anymore because we no longer believe a single word out of your mouth. If you’re going to insist on owning this team, at least respect the fans enough to shut the hell up forever.
Sell the team? Relegate the team to the minors.
2. Dear Aaron Rodgers, no one here likes you and you’re a virgin who can’t drive
The Steelers still don’t have an answer from Aaron Rodgers about whether he will be joining the team, as it seems the science-denying conspiracy-theory-loving uneducated elderly narcissist is content to just string teams along.
Today, the Trib reports that The Athletic’s Michael Silver has some scoop on the delay:
Silver says Rodgers may be leery of signing with the Steelers because they aren’t making him feel special enough in their recruitment.
“I think Aaron wants someone to roll out the red carpet for him … Aaron would love to be swept off his feet.”
To quote Prince:
The entire city of Pittsburgh doesn’t even own a single metaphorical red carpet that we would roll out for anyone except maybe a resurrected Roberto Clemente, THAT IS WHAT MAKES US PITTSBURGH. We elevate who we choose to, not who demands it of us. They’ll never do it, but I wish the Steelers would just get themselves some comically large scissors and cut him loose with a “Don’t let the door hit you in your Sandy Hook conspiracy theories on the way out.”
3. Help me help … me, and the litter problem.
April is Earth Month and I had wanted to do something to help out my peeps at Allegheny Cleanways this month, but as we’ve discussed, my availability was extremely limited because I was in a fight to the death with Microsoft Word. Also, my brain liquified possibly. Therefore! Can 25 of you please help me? I had wanted to get 25 people to donate just $25 to Allegheny Cleanways as a show of support for the organization that is on the ground every single week doing multiple litter and illegal dump cleanups. If you’ve noticed how bad the litter problem is around here and want to be one of my 25 people, click here and make a $25 donation and then email me at ginnymontanez@gmail.com so I can hug you and thank you.
4. Owl be loving you … foreEEEeeverrrr
(If I didn’t just deposit a New Kids on the Block earworm into your brain, you are not my people.) This is old news, but still hilarious.
A great horned owlet named Muppet fell out of his nest under the Panther Hollow Bridge, because that’s where we are in society: our pets heads are falling off and our owls are falling out of nests. Muppet was rescued, rehabbed (his beak got busted up a bit but scars are badass so it’s okay) and reunited with his family who were probably like, “We pushed you out so you would fly, you idiot! You are not a penguin!”
First of all, KDKA found the story so important they dispatched Ross Guidotti to the scene straight from an Irish sheep farm:
Second of all, Muppet, who Guidotti referred to as “Pittsburgh’s prodigal owl” has very clearly gone through some things, seen some things, and is over all the things.
On the left, how I look when I see a driver change lanes inside a Pittsburgh tunnel. On the right, how I look when Pirates manager Derek Shelton says, “It’s time to win,” but also how I will look when the Steelers eventually announce that Aaron Rodgers is their new quarterback.
I feel you, Muppet. What is even happening anymore?
Also, Ross Guidotti, lad, you are out of your mind if you think Pittsburgh’s Prodigal Owl isn’t my new band name. Ironically, we never play the same venue twice.*
* bible-based-bah-dum-TISS!
5. Allegheny County will throw your love away
I don’t know who has taken over the social media duties over at Allegheny County but I love them and if you aren’t following, you are missing some real gems.
Here they are telling yinz jags to stop putting love locks on Pittsburgh bridges because crews will just cut them down and dispose of them along with your forever-cursed love:
And here they are cinematically transforming their pothole fillers into badass action stars:
Two thumbs up. Give the social media crew a raise.
6. Random n’at
This post on Threads broke my already-broken-down brain:
Broken-Down Brain is also an excellent band name, email sign-off or gravestone epitaph. But seriously. We can’t be the only ones who say “baked botatoe,” can we? I tried to enunciate the P aloud and ended up sounding like I should be starring as an upstairs lady in an upstairs/downstairs British period piece.
The Pittsburgh metro area once again has the worst air in the Mid-Atlantic region, the 12th worst in the nation for year-round pollution levels, and overall got a big fat F in air quality. This is bad and we are about to flunk out of air quality school.
Two BASE jumpers parachuted off the roof of PPG Place and may have gained access via a duplicated key. Hope they punched some pigeons on the way down. If you’re going to illegally take to the skies, at least be useful.
Pitt-Osher asked me to teach my Pittsburgh History to World War II class again this summer. Here’s the description within the catalog.
It’s five classes, in-person, on campus and loads of fun because I show you TONS of primary sources. Just ask my previous students. Get yourself signed up if you’re 50 and older and want to be a in a class that lets you see fun slides like these:
6. That’s all for today!
I have a whole life to catch up on, a garage to clean, rooms to paint, an app to launch (which you all are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE. More on that next week!), a column to write and a book to write and and and. Have a great week or two! Enjoy the weather! Be kind! Don’t litter! Donate $25 to Allegheny Cleanways! Sign up for my class!
And, Bob Nutting, if you are reading this, sell the team and ride off into the sunset forever; just don’t forget to take your bag of lies with you when you go.