Yes, this edition is a bit late. It’s finals week and for a history major that means I had three papers due in a week and a half and I’m here to tell you that my brain? Pooped the bed. Up and died. High-fived my skull, lit itself on fire and swan-dived into the Mon.
Glug. Rest in peace, my brain. Who knows where this edition will take us; just be warned, I wrote it without a brain. It’s about to get weird in here.
1. Wow, this metropolis has tall buildings and sports teams
Let’s check in with New Jersey’s Pennsylvania Senate candidate Dr. Oz:
Seventeen seconds. That’s the length of this trainwreck and it took all of two seconds for Dr. Oz to Sienna Miller the name of our city. He will see you your Shitsburgh, Sienna, and raise you one Pissburgh.
And what does Dr. Oz love about this glorious city of Pissburgh? The food! What food, specifically?
“Beer. And sandwiches.”
Yes, the man distilled the entire culinary aesthetic of the City of Pittsburgh down to the very generic “beer and sandwiches.” And the pause after “beer,” like his brain went, what’s the other thing my people told me these jort-y marks love? Oh, yeah. Sandwiches.
Not “Iron City and Primanti’s.” Beer. and Sandwiches. It’s like those places you drive by that have no real name but have signs that just say like “FOOD.” Or “GAS.” Or “BAIT.” Or the one I pass on Route 30 that says “HAIR” and for a long time, right above that, it just said “SOUP.” I’m not lying. It’s a little hard to make out but look:
I don’t know if the hair place made you soup or if the soup place would also cut your hair. Hell, maybe it was just a place that sold hair and canned soup. I’ve digressed. Back to TV DOCTOR.
I can’t wait to see him in Erie. “Boy, I sure do love water and weather!”
Philadelphia. “I tell ya, I love bells and boxing as much as the next guy.”
Lancaster. “Beards and bible names! Does it get any better, folks?”
Beaver County. “Man, who doesn’t love racism and vaccine hesitancy?”
Boom! Politics!
I’m sure that upset some of you. Give it a day to marinate and if you’re still mad at me tomorrow you can direct your anger and insults to info@city.pgh.gov. You can be sure your email will be read by my staff by putting “BIKE LANES” in the subject line with no less than three exclamation points.
2. We’re number one at number two!
I almost hate sharing these lists. You know the lists — the ones with questionable methodology that were clearly created to manufacture social media engagement. Like, “The best cities in America for side sleepers!” or “The worst cities in America to raise backyard wombats.” But here’s one I had to share: Pissburgh has been named by a pet insurance company as the worst city in America for dog poop, based on how much we tweet about dog poop.
Pissburgh and now Poopsburgh. We’re on our way to our very own Cards Against Humanity expansion pack, guys. (Crap. That’s actually the best idea. Imagine an expansion pack with cards like “I like to put french fries on __________,” and “No one knew that Terry Bradshaw was secretly _________” and “The fourth river is really made up of_____________” and “Kevin Sousa’s beanie” and “that one scary Burger King” and “the tunnel monster” and “Wendy Bell’s white privilege.” I could go on all day. Make it happen.)
Anyway, I know it’s news to you that our anti-defecation and urination laws are so strict they “make it borderline illegal to take your dog for a regular walk.” Pretty shocking. But what are these despotic laws to which they link? Literally just to clean up after your dog and don’t let it run amok in the street and maybe don’t let it pee on your neighbor’s prized roses. We’re basically North Korea over here.
This post has probably completely confused Dr. Oz’s people who are still struggling to get a read on what exactly makes Pittsburgh … Pittsburgh. His next video here is going to be all, “I’m a big fan of dog poop and dictatorships, so I’m here in Pissburgh where …”
I’d like to point out to this pet insurance website that just because we tweet a lot about dog poop here doesn’t mean we’re tweeting about ACTUAL dog poop. I mean, have you SEEN the Pirates and Steelers and Dr. Oz?
Thank you, kerchiefed pirate monkey. I appreciate you.
(h/t @jedwardcooper on Twitter)
3. The Cathedral of Icing
Thirteen University of Pittsburgh engineering students completed a badass three-foot tall Cathedral of Learning in gingerbread, icing and candy and I love it and want to move inside it and run up and down the gingerbread stairs eating icing off the walls (I’m going to have either the best or worst dreams tonight).
That pic of them moving it is giving me a knot in my stomach. I can’t even imagine their nerves.
4. 70-dollar chalupas in Lincoln-Larimer, but no toilet paper
The latest on the Kevin Sousa saga:
Mount Oliver Bodega has closed indefinitely after a little more than two tumultuous months in operation, as ownership and management plot a new course for the business.
“We had so many people, including my friends and family, say we went into (Mount Oliver Bodega) and I didn’t feel I was welcome. I had people say, ‘I ordered a glass of wine and I was made to feel like I was inferior.’ That really ripped my soul out,” Calloway said.
God. If I had gone there and said my usual, “I’ll have a glass of white; whatever you have,” I’d have been run out of the place with a corkscrew. Listen, here’s what it all boils down to as they attempt to retool into something more community-accessible: 40-dollar pizzas with snooty wine sommeliers in Mount Oliver was exclusionary. 50-dollar tweezer food in East Liberty was exclusionary in 2010. 45-dollar entrees in Braddock was exclusionary, no matter what discounts were offered. Nearly everything about MOB and Sousa’s projects speak to cliquey crowds of poverty tourists from zip codes that don’t qualify for distressed status. From the name, as if the common folk just don’t get how you MEANT “Bodega,” to the decor that looks like the inside of a Demolition Man Taco Bell or a Star Wars prison, to the prices. Everything. Nearly everything Kevin Sousa has done has been exclusionary to the people who actually live in the communities within which he operated, and that was by design. He had his eyes on a certain clientele within neighborhoods filled with people outside of that desired clientele, and we fell for it.
I don’t honestly know if MOB can be “retooled” in a way that works at the price point they’ll want or need, but best of luck to them as they soldier on without their “opening consultant.” (Also? I don’t know what better proof there is that Sousa was more than just the opening consultant as he claimed than the fact that the place closed down as soon as he left.)
5. What actually IS the law, Kim Kardashian?
Good news!
It’s official: Pittsburghers can no longer park in bike lanes.
Councilman Bobby Wilson proposed the legislation at the end of November, hoping to address the concerns of BikePGH and other cyclists in his district.
I think you’ll join me in asking, “IT WASN’T ALREADY ILLEGAL TO PARK CARS IN BIKE LANES?!” This is akin to a lede reading, “It’s official: Pittsburghers can no longer bathe in the Point fountain.”
Along with recently learning that you can land seaplanes on the rivers downtown, this all makes me wonder what other things are legal and I just assumed they weren’t. Can you legally use the PPG Tower for rappelling practice while dressed as Batman? Are the “Don’t Block the Grid” intersection signs merely a suggestion? Can I just block the grid because I feel like creating street chaos? Could I have been legally drop-punting pigeons in Market Square all this time? Is it actually NOT required by law that we reduce our speed by 15 when approaching a tunnel entrance? So many questions.
Next you’ll tell me parking chairs don’t legally save parking spaces in the winter LOL. Don’t even joke about that.
6. Speaking of laws …
After years of pleas from residents, municipalities, and first responders — and failed legislative attempts — reform could be coming to Pennsylvania’s fireworks law.
Existing law prohibits the use of fireworks on any property without the owner’s permission, from inside a car or a construction area, toward a vehicle, home, or person, or within 150 feet of a home or office building.
So you’re telling me that they never made it a law that you couldn’t park a car in a bike lane but they DID make it a law that you couldn’t launch fireworks from inside of your car?! Who in the name of Zambelli is launching fireworks from the inside of a car? Okay, hands down, Fayette County; I see you.
That’s besides the point. The law is dumb. You shouldn’t be able to set off fireworks year-round. It’s intrusive, it exacerbates PTSD in veterans, it scares pets, and it wakes sleeping babies when PARENTS JUST WANT THREE HOURS OF DAMN SLEEP. Fix it.
Did the Fayette County joke upset you? Good news! I have a phone number you can call:
7. So close, yet, so very far
Oh, no. He sold the wrong thing.
YOU SOLD THE WRONG THING, BOB!
Same, Parrot. Same.
8. And that’s it for me. I have one more paper to write and I’ve got to do it without a brain, so I expect it to take a bit more time than usual. I’ll take a break from the newsletter for the holidays and I’ll be back here in January. In the meantime, you can always catch a local show with my band The Kerchiefed Pirate Monkeys. This week we decided we’re playing a jam session on the roof of the US Steel Tower. I assume it’s legal because no one has told me otherwise.
Merry Christmas, Happy Airing of the Grievances, and Chag Sameach to those who celebrate!