Editor’s note: LOL. Like I’m an “editor” and we have a “team,” when it’s just me, my keyboard, and a mug of coffee resting on a to-do list I haven’t looked at in two weeks. Anyway, this is a day late. I have no time right now because, as I’ve said, I’ve taken on too much. Lesson learned! Next semester I’m cutting back from full-time grad student to half-time so I can get my life back a little, finish editing my book, accept more invitations for events and speaking gigs, and work on my side projects like writing for the P-G (after the strike ends, of course) and Pittsburgh Magazine, and finishing up my Pittsburgh Remains to be Seen map. I’ll publish the regular newsletter next week (“publish” she wrote, as if it isn’t just her clicking a button with authori-tay), and then I’ll be on break for a few weeks for the holidays and travel. Complaints can be sent to the editor who will respond to them, and by “editor” I mean me, and by “respond to them,” I mean will print them out, light them on fire, and toss the ashes into the Mon with sincere ceremony.
I know we’ve talked about this before.
In fact, I wrote a column for Pittsburgh Magazine about this very thing several years ago, but some of my arguments bear repeating because the ways Pittsburghers use, give, take, and view the Pittsburgh Left is all over the place.
Madness. Chaos. Cars whipping in front of other cars. Near misses. Angry honks. Dumbfounded looks. Yinzers creating traffic by insisting others take an offered Pittsburgh Left when the person on the other side has never even heard of the Pittsburgh Left and is trying to obey the on-the-books traffic laws about yielding to oncoming traffic while wondering why this doofus across the way is holding up traffic and flashing his headlights and winding* down his window in a two-degree windchill to wave at him like some kind of Kindness Maniac.
Whew.
First, The Kindness Maniacs are my new band name. We are a punk band that plays children’s songs. We are very rich with just the money we make in Lawrenceville. Second, Pittsburgh, let’s get to the bottom of this.
For once. For all. For ever.
What is the Pittsburgh Left?
You’re at a red light that has no left-turning lane. Now, I’m not using “red light” in the way most Pittsburghers refer to “stoplights” or “traffic lights.” You see, in Pittsburgh, the lights are often so poorly timed that much the same way your mom went to school uphill both ways in three feet of snow with Wonder Bread bags tied around her Hills-brand knock-off Keds, the stoplights in Pittsburgh are always red. I’m using “red light” to mean you are stopped at an intersection, there is no left turning lane, and the light is actually red. Yes, Pittsburgh Lefts come into play on green lights, but we don’t have the time or space to deal with that shit here.
If you’re the first car at the red light and you need to make a left against oncoming traffic, but there is no turning lane nor left turn arrow signal, the law states you must yield to oncoming traffic. Let that traffic go, then go left once they’ve proceeded through the intersection. That was perfectly said. I should write manuals for PennDOT.
In Pittsburgh, however, it is customary for the driver who is the first in line opposite you and who is going straight, to not proceed when the light turns green. He will instead flash his high beams at you or give you a little wave to let you know you may proceed in front of him safely to take your left while he protects you from the cars behind him that also need to proceed straight. That is the Pittsburgh Left.
And a whole bunch of you just said, “This bitch for real? That’s not at all how it should work!”
And that, my friends, is what we’re going to fight about today. Q&A style, not T&A style.
Is the Pittsburgh Left something to take or something to give?
Listen to me. The Pittsburgh Left is not something you just take like Enterprise taking car rental reservations.
It is something you give or are given. Got that? That is the way it was long ago (I’ll prove it in a sec), and that’s the way it should have stayed. Because when you just take it, zoom your ass in front of a car proceeding through the intersection that did not in any way gesture to you that you could safely take your left in front of them, YOU HAVE CREATED A POSSIBLE ACCIDENT in order to save yourself anywhere from 4 to 30 seconds of time. Not everyone gives the Pittsburgh Left. Not everyone knows about it. Not every driver is local. So you out there acting like the traffic laws cease to exist because they are inconvenient to you is a Bad Thing. Stop it.
Here’s former Steeler Le’Veon Bell on this very topic in 2016:
And we can go further back. Here’s Peter Leo losing his mind about it in 1985 as it became something people took instead of something people gave:
Is this an old man yelling at clouds? Yes. But was he correct? Heckin’ yes.
Should you accept an offered Pittsburgh Left?
If offered the Pittsburgh Left via a wave or light flash, go for it. I do. This is a two-way communication without confusion or misinterpretation and it happened to work. You know what the other driver is saying to you, and you respond.
“Please take your left in front of me.”
“Okay, thank you. I will. Here I go. Peace. ”
Transaction over.
Should you offer a Pittsburgh Left?
Calm down.
It is my argument that at most intersections, no, you should not offer a Pittsburgh Left. Before you search for my address like some kind of unhinged Alex Detschelt so you can throw pigeon feed on my lawn, let me explain why.
I never offer the Pittsburgh Left, personally. And just like the fact that until recently I hadn’t eaten at Primanti’s for a decade, this is indicative that I’m a bad Burgher who should turn in her Yinzer Card.
Why do I not offer it? Because too many times people don’t know what I’m doing and I end up holding up traffic instead of helping traffic flow, which is the actual intent of the Pittsburgh Left. Instead, it often becomes a situation of waving and shrugging and confusion and the other driver is like, “Is there a cop somewhere? Is that why you’re flashing your lights? Is my car on fire?? Is that why you’re waving at me to pull off??”
At some point, I just gave up and when my light is green, I go as the good Lord intended … forth.
There is a caveat! I am aware that at some Burghy intersections, without yinzers taking and granting Pittsburgh Lefts, traffic, particularly at rush hour, would simply not move. I get it. Until the city gets off its ass and rectifies those intersections with some improved traffic flow measures, the Pittsburgh Left must and should be used.
But my God, people, when you’re at a light with like four cars waiting, you should not feel the need to give a Pittsburgh Left nor should you be upset when one isn’t offered to you and you sure as hell should not aggressively take one because you plan to cure cancer with the three point five seconds you saved by darting in front of what might be an unexpecting driver from out of town.
You’re upset. You’re going to email me. Respond to me on Twitter things like “WELL IF I DON’T TAKE IT WHEN NO ONE WILL GIVE IT THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE?? I’M JUST GOING TO SIT THERE FOR 15 SECONDS LIKE SOME KIND OF JAGOFF?”
Yes. Yes. Sit there for 15 seconds. Meditate. Breathe. Wait.
The horror.
So, to sum up! The Pittsburgh Left was originally something granted, not something taken, and that’s the way it should have stayed. Our zipper-merge-refusing, tunnel-braking, yield-eschewing, bridge-fearing asses devolved it into a dangerous practice that is often unnecessary. Ergo, my argument … stop giving the Pittsburgh Left unless it’s actually necessary to get traffic moving.
Again, let me restate: you can email me your anger with “Love your writing, but your** wrong about this,” but I’ll point and laugh at it before I light it on fire.
And let me again restate: I understand at certain intersections during certain times of the day, the Pittsburgh Left is required. I’m not talking about those instances, so calm your tits and your ass.
Hey!
I guess it is a T&A after all.