Well, well, well. Look what the pigeon dragged in.
I took a little break from this here silly newsletter just because I was busy living and enjoying my summer. Summer is generally my least productive time simply because I’m too outside to get much done indoors. Yes, I could take my laptop onto my deck and write instead of sitting out there reading all the books on my to-be-read list, but I simply choose not to because I’ll be starting real work on my grad school thesis in a week, so I’m enjoying all the downtime I can until then.
This morning, it’s a bit chilly, so I’m in my actual office and you get a newsletter!
Let’s talk! Also, it’s pretty photo-heavy, so you may need to click a link at the bottom to read it all.
1. Fancy pants and a jaw that could cut glass
Here’s the thing about Pittsburghers: we will call it North Ver-SALES but don’t you DARE mispronounce Duquesne or we will mock your inelegant ass.
Case in point, when Google Maps’ voice navigation originally pronounced it “Fort Due-KES-ney Boulevard” (rhymes with Kenny Chesney). Man, I almost wrecked my car the first time I heard that. Like, would you like a Natty Ice with your Twinkie, Google Maps? Class it up a bit! It’s Due-KANE. Now tell me how to get dahn North Ver-SALES from the Norside, ya jag.
Here’s a fun little video making the rounds of a person being asked to pronounce Duquesne and … failing like Google Maps:
When he said “douches me,” I legit …
I must say though, as a historian, it’s wild to me that we ever named things after the Marquis Duquesne. As a reminder, the French, seeing the writing on the wall, burned and abandoned his namesake fort rather than stay and fight for it and yet we named a bunch of stuff after him—a name associated with “the enemy” as seen here in John Forbes’ November 1758 letter explaining the fall of Fort Du Quesne, as it was often stylized:
He wasn’t lying about his health; he died just months later. Also, I’m going to start signing my emails with, “My health is still delicate. With sentiments of respect I remain yours, etc.”
This is THE Duquesne by the way:
His full name is Michel-Ange Duquesne de Menneville, which is pronounced Señor Fancypants.
Okay, so I’ve just returned from down a history wormhole trying to figure out why the University of the Holy Ghost felt the need to rename themselves to Duquesne University and it’s a fun one! As found in the book The Spirit That Gives Life: The History of Duquesne University, 1878-1996, apparently it boiled down to the fear of “the holy ghost” being desecrated in “newspaper language.” The author goes on:
“Perhaps some faculty members were horrified by the prospect of sports headlines with titles such as “Holy Ghost Whips _____” or worse, “______ Whips Holy Ghost.”
I’m picturing a headline like PANTHERS WHIP HOLY GHOST. It probably didn’t help that at the same time they were the University of the Holy Ghost, there was a scandal involving a similarly named sect that generated headlines like this one from the Post-Gazette in 1911:
I can see why they realized pretty quickly they needed a new name. So why did they pick Duquesne?
Eh. Queen Aliquippa would like a word. Maybe you want to say “first EUROPEAN settlement,” but even that wasn’t technically Fort Duquesne— it was Fort Trent/Fort Prince George. Look at me, picking historical nits like a nitpicker. At any rate, the local penchant for naming things Duquesne seems to have been a later nineteenth century thing, which was far enough removed from the 1750s for people to disassociate the name with failure or enemy or general fancy-panted loserdom.
History is fun!
Also, did you know the Duquesne Dukes’ mascot is now a top hat-wearing blue lion?? What happened to their old mascot which I assume was actually named Señor Fancypants?
He looks like the lovechild of Gaston and Steely McBeam. Don’t email me.
2. Click here for … ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
I hate the PLCB as much as I hate the PA Turnpike Commission. If I run for governor it will be on a platform of abolishing them both and also figuring out a way to make Pittsburgh’s tunnels three lanes instead of two. My campaign slogan will be Montanez: Destroying what needs destroyed.
That’s right. I dropped “to be” … ON PURPOSE.
So the PLCB is an especially hated enemy of mine. There’s no reason for them to still exist and the sale of wine and liquor should be privatized and it should actually have happened a long time ago. Remember when instead of just letting grocery stores sell wine, they put wine vending machines in Giant Eagle that were the size of carwashes and the machine had a little drawer into which you deposited your virgin sacrifice? I might be misremembering that. But the point is, they always make everything very hard or very dumb or very slow because they are the government running something that shouldn’t be their job to run. So here’s some news:
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board announced Tuesday it will open a limited-release lottery giving state residents and licensees a chance to purchase 1,252 bottles of rare whiskeys. People can opt in to one or more lotteries through the Limited-Release Lottery website until 5 p.m. Friday.
As of this writing, when you click on that link it takes you to …
Because of course. We deserve better. We deserve to be PLCB-free. We deserve to buy whatever the hell liquor we want from whatever the hell seller we want. We deserve Two-Buck Chuck! We deserve Montanez! Vote early and often. I totally plan to bus people in. You can’t even believe it. They say.
Boom! Politics!
3. Damned if you do; damned if you don’t
Someone on Twitter/X shared the application they received for employment at one of Pittsburgh’s restaurants and well, yikes:
Okay, so they are essentially saying that if you are a restaurant worker not working, then why are you a lazy ass? We only want to hire people who are working so that we know you aren’t going to quit on us and leave us floundering for staff. So you better be working if you want to apply to work here!
Let’s say you’re working. Whew. You’ve passed the first question. Let’s look at the next one:
Oh my.
I’m not saying wanting this kind of information from prospective hires is wrong, but the METHODS. The derision is just dripping off of every word. As a reminder, I co-owned restaurants with my ex for a number of years. I get the staffing difficulties in that industry and they’ve been exacerbated since the pandemic, but this is a bit much. There is no reason to include this kind of derision in an application. You simply need to ask for a job history and if you see they’re switching jobs every eight weeks, don’t hire them. Or simply say, “Please explain any gaps in your resume,” and if the response doesn’t tickle your fancy … don’t hire them. Or if you think they might be a good fit, bring them in for an interview and ask them to explain gaps in their resume or why they aren’t working and if you don’t like their answers, DON’T. HIRE. THEM. You are responsible for the hiring of 100 percent of the people that you hire. I’ma get that on a pillow.
This application language is meant to be a derisive preemptive broad-stroke scolding of every applicant, likely borne out of frustration, but it serves less to attract the kind of people you’re looking to hire and more as an indictment of the workplace culture into which they are about to step. So you might as well watermark this application with a big red flag.
The end.
4. Shenderovich, Shenderovich and their cute little plastic toot-toot car
One of my favorite little shops to feature is Pittsburgh’s Happy Lil Canvases behind which you’ll find artist Jess, who always has new ideas popping up on her Threads account. Some of her latest are so good and I really hope they hit her shop soon.
First up, a slinky PRT bus took out a porch in Homewood because it had to stay true to its PRT bus penchant of getting themselves into as weird of situations as possible whether that be swallowed by a sinkhole or dropped by a falling bridge. This one was the result of a police chase gone wrong, sending the bus careening off course and into a home where thankfully the resident was uninjured and hopefully will be getting himself a whole new porch. Jess responded with …
I can’t stop laughing. Also, I can’t even imagine sitting in my living room when suddenly … BUS. Only in Pittsburgh.
You aren’t a Burgher until you’ve been at an event and the Shenderovich twins saunter in like they own the place. It’s quite a sight to behold. Jess drew them in a Fisher-Price Cozy Coupe Car and it’s glorious:
Then there’s her set of Pittsburgh Hot Wheels, including my two favorites:
The Buggy one is great too. Go see them all. Also, remind me to eventually write my longer argument that the reason we call them buggies here in Pittsburgh has to do with how coal cars were called buggies and we took that from the mines and mills and started calling shopping carts that. In this white paper I will …
One that IS on her shop for purchase are these hilarious Burgh-themed Happy Little Bunny stickers:
Not an ad! I just love her creative brain. And remember, you aren’t IN tunnel traffic; you ARE tunnel traffic.
I’m definitely getting THAT on a pillow and maybe my gravestone.
5. Random n’at
The short things that I don’t wish to make long things so you can mountain these molehills yourself if you’d like. Verbing weirds words.*
Environmental groups engaged in clean-ups dredged our rivers and quickly retrieved over 50,000 pounds of car parts and tires but zero B-25 bombers. It’s out there somewhere, just waiting for us to find it.
A portion of the Parkway East will close for 25 days next year, so this is your early warning to probably move before then.
It’s probably not good when you can see through your roads, so this is your regular reminder to always hold onto your butt while driving in Pittsburgh. You never know when a road might swallow you, or a bridge might yeet you.
Kennywood might be for sale, so who is going to get the Kickstarter going so we can just buy it for ourselves?
Speaking of selling, Giant Eagle’s Get-Go locations are for sure sold and they just didn’t exist long enough for me to care much about them because I generally don’t form emotional attachments to gas stations because I am a reasonable adult. Let’s not talk about my emotional attachment to a specific brand of ketchup though.
There are a handful of tickets left for the September 3 Allegheny Cleanways benefit dinner at Alta Via in Bakery Square. So make it a date night and come see me and we will eat delicious food and drink delicious cocktails and fight Pittsburgh’s litter problem together!
*TM Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes
6. That’s all for today.
Have a great week or two! Watch for kids and buses and bikes and motorcycles! Respect the bike lanes and do not ever park in them, you jags! Stop naming things Duquesne!
Come out to see my new band Señor Fancypants. If you’ve never heard mariachi songs in poorly pronounced French, you are in for a TREAT.
Chat soon!
My health is still delicate. With sentiments of respect I remain yours, etc.,
V.