I don’t even know where to begin. (Yes, I’m a day late, but it has been quite a week.)
I went to NASA, saw so many things I only dreamed I’d see up close, listened to NASA administrators and astronauts and engineers and technicians and managers explain what went into the Artemis program, and then the launch was scrubbed and I grabbed a flight home. A day later, the next launch window which was originally set for Friday has been moved to Saturday afternoon and an email from NASA says I’m invited to come back and watch the next attempt.
While staying until Friday or flying home and back down on Thursday was not something I could do in light of my schedule and my daughter, I can indeed get down there for a Saturday afternoon launch. So I rebooked flights, rental car, and hotel at a much higher cost than my first booking, and I’m going to head to Florida for about 36 hours and see if I can’t watch this puppy fly. When I return, I’ll tell you all the whole story and you’ll laugh and we’ll hug virtually and hopefully I won’t need to be slightly tipsy at all times for the remainder of 2022 in order to cope with attending a second scrub.
Alexa, play “No Scrubs” by TLC.
Alexa, play “No Rain” by Blind Melon.
Alexa, play “I’m a Bitch” by Meredith Brooks. Just to keep it on brand with who I am as a person.
Let’s talk.
1. “I pulled you over because I don’t like the color of your car. Step out of the vehicle, ma’am.”
So this is fun! And by “fun” I mean “kinda terrifying.”
A state appellate court ruling this week affirmed the right of police officers to stop drivers if any part of their license plate is obscured. That doesn’t just include the unique combination of letters and numbers that make up a person’s license plate — but any lettering — including the visitpa.com URL — or, for that matter, the paint around it.
The. Paint.
The paint!
Theeeeee painnnnnnnnt.
I’m just going to keep typing words until this makes sense or my keyboard dies or the sun collapses in on itself and sucks this trash planet in like a Dyson.
If you’re FOR the absolute and unquestioned and unfettered power of the police force, this is a Good. Yesssss. Pull people over for anything. Car color a bit weird? One tire with the whitewall facing out and the rest are in? How dare you. Hope you like jail. Don’t like the way the hula girl on the dashboard is grinding her hips in your general direction. Flip that siren button and search that car for drugs. The paint on the edge of your license plate covered one millimeter by your #1 Cochran* license plate frame? Get your license and registration and proof of insurance ready because here comes the long arm of the law.
For the rest of us? We have recognized that there’s a problem in policing. We have seen and we acknowledge the veracity of the evidence without making excuses or trying to explain it away or otherwise trying to minimize it. There are too many videos we’ve seen. And we recognize that for every one of those videos, there are many more we don’t see. We want there to be restrictions as a reminder to the police force that their power is not limitless. They are indeed bound by rules. They are accountable.
This ruling? Is not that. It’s the opposite of that.
The ruling stems from a case involving an April 2021 traffic stop in Philadelphia during which a police officer pulled over a car because of a partially obstructed plate. What was obstructed: the strip at the bottom of the plate that lists the website of the state’s official tourism office, visitpa.com, which standard-issue license plates in Pennsylvania include.
Now, the law on the books that the judges used to back up their decision has language that states “or is obscured in any manner,” but the problem here is a contextual reading of that line would reveal that it clearly refers to the obscuring of identifying numbers, NOT THE FORKING PAINT STRIP THAT PENNSYLVANIA PUTS ON THEIR UGLY ASS BORING ASS LICENSE PLATES.
This is a terrible ruling using too literal an interpretation of a line taken out of context while ignoring said context. Kinda like how people scream “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED” and then stomp “well regulated” into dust and pretend they never saw it.
BOOM! Whole buncha politics. Anyway, I’m going to become a judge.
*Not a euphemism
2. Finders keepers; losers are 26 and a half games out of first place
Let’s talk about the Pittsburgh Pirat— Wait! Come back!
First, a quick check at their W-L record since I haven’t looked in a while.
Zip Zap Kazoo the Pirates are poo! But Oneil Cruz has a stellar exit velocity, so that’s all that really matters, right?
One thing about the Pirates is they’ll give up a grand slam so hard the ball will land in the Allegheny and that’s exactly what happened when Atlanta Brave Matt Olson zip-zap-kazooed one out of the park and into the drink after a 420-foot flight. No fans launched themselves into the river for the ball, and because it was a midweek day game, there weren’t many recreational boaters in the river to retrieve it.
In comes …
Pittsburgh River Rescue???
They’ve offered the ball to the Braves, but no word yet on if the team took them up on it. They might be afraid they’ll get Pirate loser-cooties from touching a ball that has been in the waters near PNC Park.
Did River Rescue fully suit up just to retrieve this ball? Also, baseballs will float for a minute or so before sinking and the Allegheny River is about 16 feet in that area, so did the ball not travel at all away from PNC Park in that time after it started to sink? Did it get all the way to the bottom before they found it? Or was it still floating? No one else cares about this, but I need answers.
Also? Greg Brown has officially lost it.
Honestly, the only thing I want to hear from Greg Brown these days is, “And that’s the final out as the sun sets on the 2022 Pittsburgh Pirates truly shitty baseball season.”
Also, my band the Zip-Zap-Kazoos are playing kids’ birthday parties now. Book early!
3. The Oz/Fetterman circus has gone off the rails bigly
Let’s just have a quick rundown of where we are in the Oz/Fetterman war of childishness since their crudite beef (oxymoron), shall we?
a. Dr. Oz said, “I gave a big event yesterday in Monroesville, probably one of the biggest events we’ve done.”
Monroesville. Wonder if he stopped at Monroesville Mall to visit the Livsing Dead musseussm?
b. Dr. Oz tried to football
Is. Is. Is he wearing doctor scrubs to his own physical?? Has he ever watched football in his life? Does he know the goal of the game is not to score a basket in the goalposts?
Even Michael Scott, the king of cringe, would look at this and go, “Oh. Dude. No.” Next up, Dr. Oz visits a hockey rink, grabs a puck and pitches a perfect strike into the goal net.
c. Sean Hannity got mad about a Fetterman fundraising email (which I haven’t seen) which Hannity claims called him a liar to which Hannity said, “Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you!”
I’m kidding. He took the high road, calling Fetterman a …
“very lazy, Bernie Sanders-loving, socialist, trust-fund-baby brat.”
“By the way, my trust-fund-brat friend, I will attack you back 10 to 100 times harder because you are a lying loser and raising money for your losing campaign,” continued Hannity. Then, addressing his audience: “He may be hearing from my lawyers very shortly. He better hope that mommy and daddy have enough money to pay his legal bills.”
So, you see, Hannity can call Fetterman a liar, and it’s fine. But if Fetterman calls Hannity a liar, it’s grounds for a lawsuit. These are the rules of the playground, folks, and they must be followed unless a hard-fought game of S-P-U-D changes them.
d. On the debate side of things, Oz’s campaign provided a list of playground concessions it was willing to make for Fetterman and it was a super serious list, evidencing Dr. Oz’s empathy and compassion as a medical care provider for a stroke survivor. It included things like:
Doctor Oz promises not to intentionally hurt John’s feelings at any point.
At any point, John Fetterman can raise his hand and say “bathroom break!”
When Fetterman called out the childishness and insulting tone of the concessions, the Oz campaign backed down and finally got a bit mature, calling Fetterman “a liar, a liberal, and a coward.”
Fetterman did back out of the debate, though, and it’s a smart campaign decision in light of his wide lead and his stroke recovery which is giving him some auditory processing/speech issues.
e. When asked about the “John Fetterman wouldn’t have had a stroke if he’d eat a damn vegetable for once” line from his campaign, Dr. Oz said … that his campaign doesn’t speak for him.
Oh. Ok. I guess I was confused about what a political campaign team does LOL. I know better now. A political campaign team does not speak on behalf of a political candidate. Got it? Good.
f. And let’s check in on the Fetterman Twitter acc-
If there isn’t a “DIP ME IN SALSA, DOCTOR OZ” Pens goal call this year, I’ll be very disappointed.
3. The first and only time I will share something from the Washington Examiner
So you’ve heard the story. A Pittsburgher lost their pet python in the Duquesne area of the city. Said python was reported to be 5 feet 7 inches long, which I think you’ll agree is 5 feet 7 inches too long for a snake.
I like my snakes to be 0 feet 0 inches just like I like my marathons to be 0.0 miles.
Pythons be bitches that will eat your little dog so obviously the police warned residents to be on the lookout for the snake, which I must reiterate was lost when the OWNER TOOK IT FOR A WALK— Oh wait. That’s just media clickbait hyperbole used in an effort to go viral. The real story?
Family members said the owner of the snake brought it outside to show to another neighbor. Later on, the owner collapsed with the snake in his arms and it slithered away, according to family members.
So, the snake is loose and Duquesne residents are rightfully a bit nervous. But it’s okay, folks! The Examiner story ends with …
A python's top speed is 1 mile per hour.
Me running away from the Duquesne python** in real time speed:
The lack of updates on whether the snake—which is named Gene Simmons and reportedly smaller than originally said—has been found yet it a skoosh concerning.
Go home, Gene Simmons, or one of our alligators might eat you.
**The Duquesne Python should be a Kennywood rollercoaster
4. It’s both short and long today!***
I know it was politics heavy and I’ll rectify that next week when I either gush about a rocket launch or type thousands of words of sad drunken gibberish sprinkled with a half-dozen zip-zap-kazoos. Now, if you’re upset about all my political digs or my thoughts on the police powers ruling and are not sure if you need help, here’s a handy chart for reference:
Good luck. Best wishes. Hope your genitals didn’t get too toasty.